Rays of Consciousness

2007-02-25T12:54:00.000-08:00

Sorry folks, Blogging has escaped me lately. I've kept busy! I moved into a new condo two weeks ago and have been unpacking ever soooo slowly seems to be taking me forever. The kitchen is practically done and arranged how I want it finally. OMG what a kitchen! So much space and openness compared to my last place which some of you will remember! It has a breakfast bar with open space to put two bar stools there which is perfect and I got rid of desk and will begin working there. It also has a wood-burning fireplace YES! A washing/dryer stackable machine again, YES! And they will put in an A/C unit in May for the summer. Definitely an UPGRADE from my last place having all those amenities. Eventually I'd like to throw out my old couch for a nice size love seat and the living room will look cozier. Oh and I need a new bed frame now, grrr don't ask. Craigslist has some nice ones for sale when the time is right I'll go get one.

The picture above, I cut my hair to just past my shoulder length and she styled it straighten it all out. How weird it was, seeing myself with straight hair I cannot remember the last time it was styled like that, if ever.

I performed in the Vagina Monologues Feburary 10th and 17th. My character was a lawyer by day, dominatrix who performed for women only by night. That was alot of fun playing that character. I did impressions of different orgasms like for example the African American moan I signed and screamed "Raise the roof oh yes raise my rooooof!" haha and for the mountaintop moan I yodeled. I kid you not, I filled up that theatre yo yo yo yooddeeelll aaaaaa eeeeee oooohh!

We performed with one other person on stage, one hearing actor and one deaf actor for this play. The hearing actress her name is Rachel ha go figure! She begged me to yodel instead of her (we were switching off moans where she does one and I do one) said I did a way better job at it than she ever could. She's actually an author, her name is Rachel Snyder and she has written 365 Well Being Tips for Women. Check it out. She gave me an autographed copy. I think the best moan we did on stage together would be the doggy moan, where we panted at the same time and then she turned and I pretended to doggy style her. HA! The audience was great both nights, lots of laughter!

My social circle here is growing and I'm enjoying making quality heart to heart friendships with people here. I love my job, the responsibilities have expanded since I last blogged. I am now the Dance and Music teacher on Wednesday enrichment programs. I taught them basics of how to identify the beat and groove to it. Next week I will be introducing the 1920s music and build up from there to modern day music. We have some awesome guest coming later in the year, they expressed a desire to learn how to break dance so we asked someone in the community who is good at it to come show how to do that. Last year I only taught Art classes to 2nd and 3rd grade now I'm the Art teacher for pre-school through 4th grade. They also started me working with the preschool and kindergartners more too. I sign them a story everyday and get them talking about the characters and relating to it in real life, then help them settle down for their naps. Gosh the many hats I'm wearing at RMDS!

College....gosh that's another blog. I may have to fight at the national level with Colorado Department of Education and my college since they are telling me I cannot get my Special Education License to teach since I fail to pass "phonics testing" for the program. I've been seeking help from the Legal Center for Disabilities outside of the college and we're building ground work for a case. It's blatant discrimination. I have no desire to go into a school and teach phonics, I struggle as it is to enunciate all my sounds and words as it is in the hearing community much less is there a desire to be in that career field. I do however want to work with the special education non verbal population of children and that population is HUGE. Rather than applauding for grunts they make in relation to phonics, I'd like to be able to give them an alternative language in which they could find their voices easier, such as through adaptive technology devices, sign language, symbolic languages, gesturing etc. On my drivers license there is an R for restriction since I need glasses to drive. Why can't I get the same kind of license with an R saying I can work with the non verbal population but can't with the ones that are verbal. I wouldn't mind working in an Autism Center where sign language is promoted and encouraged, or with Deaf Plus children (Deaf with additional disabilities) and so forth...

Never thought I'd be fighting for the education and degree I want. I simply enrolled in school like any other student and have met most of the challenges and demands that the Special Education major curriculum demands of us, all but the phonics section. They list on every syllabus that the ADA will be effective on campus and accommodations can be made. When push comes to shove though you have to fight for those accommodations, they aren't really given.

Gallaudet teaches one semester of graphic phonics, I have asked the head of the Special Education department to contact Gallaudet and get that information, I'd be more than willing to tackle and learn it. I just want their expectations of me to be realistic. I'm never going to turn hearing and be able to identify with 100% how to break down words into phonemes and whatnot. It's like asking a blind man to study and pass color theory. It's ridiculous.

Guess that wasn't another blog! I poured it all out in this one. Well that's what I've been up to. Also getting DeafACT off the ground as well, we raised 17,000 for DOVE by performing in the Vagina Monologues, and an additional 2,000 for V-Day Campaigns. My mother and my brothers' girlfriend even attended! Mom had never heard of the Vagina Monologues and said "Nothing could have prepared me for your role in this, but I found you to be funny and you performed well" haha not too many people could be faking a bunch of orgasms in front of their mother, what helped was I didn't know which night she was going to come and I didn't ask.

I'm almost sad it is all over now. I could totally keep performing over and over I had so much fun with it! Well I need to zoom over to my place and unpack before Mya comes for dinner. I wanted to tidy up some too (but my kitchen is immaculate!) Will blog again later!

Ta ta for now!

2006-11-22T12:23:00.000-08:00

Tiff and I

2006-09-20T23:09:00.000-07:00

What's new?

There's a new organization just starting up. The idea came originally from Austin, Texas to establish educational theatre in which children performed in American Sign Language (ASL) thereby educating and exposing the hearing community to be invited where both cultures can learn from each other. They actually had the goal for those on Board to be consisted of half hearing and half Deaf members serving and operating the organization. Mission accomplished in Austin, now spreading, next stop? Denver! Home sweet home.

I believe we have most of the positions filled and/or they're really filling up fast. There's been quite a bit of interest expressed in it from the community, the parents of deaf children, CODAs, deaf and hard of hearing kids, etc. I looked at the website a few times, even became interested in one position after reading its responsibilities, Volunteer Coordinator. Which would basically be in charge of contacting newspapers, putting together flyers, recruiting and managing volunteer teams, grants and fund-raiser writing and helping to manage Board meetings. I submitted an application, put my best foot forward, listed the experiences I've had with volunteering, grant-writing for RMDS and working with deaf, hard of hearing, and CODA children.

What do you know? I get the call back for an interview and they were strict about enforcing that to occur it as soon as possible saying they had received a number of applicants for Volunteer Coordinator. I did the interview. I get an email later saying how impressed they were with my application and interview and that they'd selected me as the best candidate for the position, would I accept?

Whoo hoo! You bet I accepted! WOW! I am looking forward to this amazing opportunity to get this organization rolling off the ground and help it to be successful! For all you Coloradoans reading this, if the organization sounds like something you'd like to volunteer for and have fun with, contact me! I'll be setting up an email account for correspondance to occur among interested volunteers! It'll be posted sooner or later when we've worked with the webmaster for a bit. We'll have to get together and see what play we're going to launch then get into flyers to hold auditions.

Here's a URL for the DeafACT operating in Austin, Texas: www.DeafACT.org

What really drew me in about this emerging organization? The fact that they mentioned they'd like to bridge the hearing and Deaf worlds together and build community.

I think the world has a little too much separatism in it and we're desperately in need of a little more unity. If we can teach each other about accepting differences and honoring each other just as we are, then perhaps that could extend that outside beyond the borders of our country.

Idealist concept maybe, but I take idealism to be potential awakenings that have yet to be stirred and unraveled. Certainly, doesn't mean it isn't possible.

Hope you are all in good spirits!

Namaste.

2006-09-11T22:19:00.000-07:00

Grrls just wanna have fun!

Cramped quarters, ya think? ;)

PFFFTTHHH!

2006-09-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

Letting Go

Fall came early for me this year
Her soulful amber eyes reflected in the mirror
She crept fast behind me bringing whirlwinds of change
Swept me so far out of range

She whispered she heard my heart's desire
It had stumbled a long journey, weary and tired
The endless possibilities that opened and shut
I lifted my glass to the Fates as they cut

How startled I am to see a wake of doors shut
To say goodbye to an old best friend
To say goodbye to another, I once ached to fit
An odd puzzle piece willing to bend
To say goodbye,Cali-Boi,the tide had threatened to engulf us in
And releasing Darlin' how hard it is
The lingering, flickering flames
That hauntingly echoed her name
Seemed to shadow, seemed to follow

The boat prepares to venture and sail
What disappeared were the handrails
To the cloaked crone, I kneeled and hailed

The last full moon of Summer I glimpsed
My single days, squeezed and rinsed
How could I pay homage for the ultimate gift?
The Crone approached, and lifted my chin
Kissed me with her crimson lips
Imparting all her wisdom and tips
The chalice of love, to carefully sip

The chalice of love I carefully sip.

2006-08-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd see this day. The day when life suddenly seems like it's falling into place and you get this feeling that it's flowing exactly how it's meant to...

Most of you know I left Gally for Califunky. Most of you know I've lived in Oregon, Maryland, DC and Cali....before finally nesting again in Colorado. It's been a long road folks, working towards a Bachelors Degree in Special Education and I can almost feel the halfway mark of completing and acquiring such. I never thought I'd get this far. I can begin to tell you how often I've ran out of patience for the whole ordeal. How tired I was/am from being broke due to college books and all it's extras the classes drain you of. Alas, the end justifies the means - does it not?

In a nutshell, what is new in my life at this point is two huge transitions:

I got hired as the part-time Art teacher where I work. This will be an incredibly fun and growing experience for me to learn how to become familiar and design lesson plans that meet the curriculum and Colorado state standards. I'd like to share one part of the wall I did using the following materials: glue, cardboard, yarn, rope, foil, and paint. You can see those materials integrated together to make the art creations I showed you in the photos above.

Also the second transition is rather a happy one, I have an official girlfriend. It's been three years technically since my last one and it feels so strange to say that sentence really. I'm still having to wake up and ask myself if I'm dreaming or... it feels surreal.

We met believe it or not, on the internet arranged for a date and several more followed afterwards. We'd been dating a while, not yet really declaring it exclusive in the beginning stages so I didn't want to really mention it. I didn't know if she was coming or going to be honest. I've dated several women over the last three years and really had the down time to explore what it is that I was hoping for and allow myself to be open to let them discover if I am what they're seeking to grow with as well. I knew I'd recognize her whenever "she" would walk into my path and actually be part of my day to day experiences... The two of us are taking it slow. We may be girlfriends but I like that she has recently signed a year lease at her new apartment she'll be moving into since it allows us down time to focus on building together instead of calling a U-Haul too soon and falling apart. It seems a rare quality: taking the time to build.

I'll tell you a little bit about her. She's hearing, knows the ABC in sign language and in addition has signed up to take an ASL class starting September 6th going until October 25th. My brother Aaron and his girlfriend Katie, are also taking that same class in the same location. It'll really warm my heart Wednesday nights to know the three of them love me enough to give me the best gift I have received in a long time, the gift of communication.

She graduated from Notre Dame University and works as a Property Accountant in real estate. I'm so amazed and I admire her for getting it done the 'right' way and graduating when she did....though she reassures me that I just simply took the "sceneic route" towards accumulating my own Bachelors and there's nothing wrong with that. I have to agree. Life has taught me so much. Relationships of all kinds have taught and shaped me into the person I am today. I am sooooooooo excited to embark on this new journey, both in my career and love life. Blessed be and thank you Goddess for smiling and shining your rays of light on me.

I'll upload a photo of us later. Can't seem to get it to change to jpeg file and saved yet. Hope you are all happy and in good spirits!

Namaste.

2006-04-30T23:12:00.000-07:00

A Goddess Invitation

Meet me in the woods, I whisper
Away from all of your obligations
Leave the city to birth a new creation
Allow me to lure you into my temptation

I shall transform before you
Enough to make you weak
Exploring the ties that run deep

I flirt and tease beneath Evergreen shadows
Stirring and invoking a hunter's hunger
The sensual chase begins
And the hunt, you finally win

Charging with all your might, you leap
Trampling me in a playful heap
The opening of my flower
Quivers, awakening Earth's power

Between our lovers gaze
The Beltane fires blaze

-Ray-

2006-03-08T18:57:00.000-08:00

Well folks...I have not received a haircut in almost five years so it was time to and I was sick of my hairstyle so...here's the NEW me. I would have posted just a picture of myself but this was the best shot of me. The gal next to me is AJ. We've known each other about three years now. I can't believe I have bangs again! It's alot of fun to play with and style in different ways! I'll update my blog with my life events and some more pictures of my bedroom renovations when I get the chance. Love you all!

2006-02-04T09:13:00.000-08:00

An Imbolc Poem

Our Consciousness found in a blanket of sleep
We've fallen captive to Winters' keep

But hark, the Goddess Brigid emerges!
Bringing the magick of potential awakenings
In Her presence, light evelops all things in sight
And causes all shadowy beings to take flight

She shoots a fiery arrow, sends it flying
And Winters' stranglehold begins dying
When the arrow lands, transformation rumbles
Our souls unfurl, spiral and tumble

Renewing our commitments under Brigid's seal
We experience the brightest turning of the Wheel!

2006-01-21T18:02:00.000-08:00

Handfastings, Love & Life!

Wow, life has been so interesting lately. My perspectives overall are changing, people are coming up to me and asking me to be involved in their wedding or handfastings that are coming up soon. One friend asked me to perform a Handfasting for them. Ally, my old Califunny roommate, explained how I can become ordained online and then they send a certificate in the mail that says you are legally allowed to marry people. So that is my current investigation going on in life right now. How mind blowing is that though, that one can become ordained online!?

I’m so excited to plan this Handfasting and meet with the couple to make sure all of their wishes are being incorporated in how they would like the ceremony done.

Recently, I also learned of Sandra and Frank’s engagement and they asked Ally and I to perform the ceremony for them in California in August. I believe Ally will be the Priestess that conducts the exchanging of the traditional vows, while I am the Priestess that will help with the Wiccan traditions beforehand. I’ve done this before for Ally’s wedding almost three years ago. I had a lot of fun in that sacred role. It had been an honor to be asked to do that for her and it is again an honor to have the opportunity to do this for Sandra and Frank.

Then a close friend of mine in Denver, Mya asked me to help her with the reception party favors. We went up to my old hometown up in the mountains to Kittredge, Colorado and gathered smooth river rocks. She wants me to paint a foundation on the rocks a semi-glossy charcoal color and then hand them over to another friend where that person will paint the calligraphy of “I Love You” in another language. Although, the role is a humble one, I am genuinely excited to participate and do this for her. I will breathe love into each and every rock I paint blessing them all!

My own dating life has been just interesting. I’ve dated Ms. Elusive, Ms. In-A-Hurry, Ms. OCD, Ms. Self-Identity Crisis and Ms. Will You Move To Another State & Give Up Everything You Worked For? Anyone want to take a wild guess why none of them escalated into anything more than a few dates? It’s been quite a ride! I’ve learned more about myself and the kind of desires I’d like in a future mate. For having that dawning of recognition, I’m grateful to each and every one of those dates. I have a theory that life is full of frogs and I’ll keep on kissing frogs until one finally transforms. Sometimes I get depressed about it but for the most part I figure life is short, hop on one and ride! I have to keep my sense of humor here or I’d just go nuts. Riiiiibbbiiiit!

The Yahoo Personals has been an interesting experience in itself. I don’t expect to meet Ms. Right from the internet but if there's another frog to go out and have fun with for a while that's fine with me. Even a new friend is welcome too. I believe the Goddess already has someone very much in mind for me but it’s just a matter of timing and building to get to that point. If I’ve waited this long, then surely I can muster up the patience to wait a while longer? Sometimes I wonder….are we really all destined to meet and be with one person for life? What if some of us are fated to a series of frogs? It’s a fleeing thought and has no permanent residence in my idealistic romantic heart but I do ponder it. Que Sera, Sera eh?

I will become the Secretary of Mile High Rainbow Society for the Deaf (MHRSD) here in Colorado. They are working on making me the elected official for that position right now. I look forward to the adventure of learning all that comes with that commitment. Recently was photographed receiving the grant check from Sam’s Club for RMDS where I work. I think RMDS just may humiliate me further and mount the thing on the wall with the picture of me shaking the managers’ hand. We’ll see. School is underway again and I’m looking forward to learning everything I can from my classes and hopefully getting all A’s again by the end of the semester. I will work hard and give it my all to earn those kind of marks again.

I've been presented more opportunities to substitute teach. While I love the experience and the rewarding feeling at the end of the day, I'm investigating into what it takes to acquire a substitute teaching certificate. Once I've taken the neccessary steps in accumulating one, I will be paid more for having that certificate behind me. I am also busy trying to process two different applications for two summer job potentials. One is called the Aspen Center for Austim located in South Denver and the other is a day camp for disability kids called Camp Paha in Lakewood. I'm starting to feel pulled in many ways and wishing there was a way I could manifest two of me to get everything I need done! Phew!

Was in the hospital for 14 long hours last week for Asthma. My body having been weak because I had been fighting off a cold, started a new diet and received my moonflow all within a few days of each other. I am healing nicely though and back on my feet already. I notice that each and every time I have to go to the hospital the Goddess comes in at some point, picks me up and shakes me free of all mental, spiritual, emotional and physical stagnant clutter that has prevented me from growing and sets me down again. Revived and renewed, I’m ready to tackle the world once again. I feel lighter in my footsteps, in my thoughts, and in my heart.

Thank you Goddess and Blessed be!

2006-01-04T15:53:00.000-08:00

Just a poem I found that I wrote about someone I had dated for a while and it didn't work out. Poetry is often what I turn to in order to let go and create anew.

Elusive Lover & The Goddess

Cannot catch you, elusive lover
But I can feel you

See my fire burning bright
But you remain detached

Our connection, sacred and profound
Tells of no lies, only of truths abound

So run all you want, but you won’t get far
I’m a part of you, etched inside your soul

Blindly grope at other connections
But they won’t lift you as high as I can

I’ve stood in the center of the fire
Waiting for you to join

What are you so scared of?
I only reflect what brews inside of you
I simply hold a mirror for you to see
Disbelief keeps you disconnected
So be it.

I must let go of what no longer serves my growth.
But to bring myself to cut the ties that bind…
Makes me fall to my knees and whisper,
“Ok, Goddess, this is in your hands now”

Releasing you, a part of me comes undone
Alone now, creation to be birthed anew

Nurturance of new connections
A faint dream opening me to other possibilities
Awkwardly I begin to stumble forward
And plunge into the whirlwind abyss

Where will I end up?
Who will I meet?
What will become of me?
And how will I know I’ve landed?

A gentle whisper answers,
My child, close your eyes and trust me
I have seen you through countless of times.
Learn to breathe, learn to let go, learn to be.
I know of your dreams and I know of your
hungers. You must learn of how to surrender.
Surrender to me and surrender to yourself
but surrender sweet child of mine, surrender.

Your loneliness is an illusion, for I have been with
you since the beginning of time and I am what
sustains you when all else falls away.

I am in the beatings of your heart
I am in the rise and fall of each breath you take
I am in the eyes that gaze back at you in the mirror
I am in and of your heartache, fears and tears
I am in the laughter you release
I am in the roots that keep you grounded
I am in and of the wings that make your goals take flight

But most importantly Daughter, not only am I in you,
I am you.

2005-12-24T15:18:00.000-08:00

Winter Solstice
By: Rachella

On the longest night of the year
Time to abandon all of our fears

Roots that spiral from our toes
Mother Earth anchors and drains our woes

Weaving woman to woman to woman
Let us be snug in our hibernation
While Winter's wisdom claims our souls

For in the womb of the night
Comes the birth of the light

2005-11-29T12:36:00.000-08:00

Okay I'm going to share a paper I wrote for one of my classes this semester. The only reason I'm sharing is because lately I've been reading all kinds of articles regarding education and developing countries. They've perked my interest, enough to go make an appointment with my advisor (which is coming up soon finally) and to talk to her about a possible minor in international development/affairs. It would be nice to combine my Special Education degree and actually have a minor too that would allow me to someday go overseas and help to improve educational conditions for people living with disabilities. If anyone knows where I can get international sign language instruction videos of any kind, let me know where to look. I'd greatly appreciate that!

Pasted below is my paper:

In the article, “The Effectiveness of International Development Assistance From American Organizations to Deaf Communities in Jamaica” the author Amy T. Wilson conducts a research based on how effective our assistance is to developing countries. The focal point is on Jamaica as it is one of the three countries that receive aid and support from three types of American organizations. The author was able to converse in not only English but make adaptations from ASL (American Sign Language) to JSL (Jamaican sign language) and study participants both deaf and hearing. Amy Wilson was also able to obtain permission from the organizations to observe their programs and review their documents. Also Jamaica being in close proximity to the United States helped to make the study financially possible.

Throughout the developing world, there is a lack of resources for understanding and being aware of diversified disabilities. Based on this alone, it means there is a lack of education for the disability population in developing countries. 20% of the world’s deaf population attends school. In other countries they are not able to marry another deaf person, hold certain jobs, drive or operate a car, and are kept from establishing Deaf associations. The experience of economic hardship and social isolation is often considered the ‘norm’ in the developing world.

Even with the help of foreign assistance programs, little to no help may be received by deaf people in different parts of developing countries. Out of 100 countries only seven receive minimal assistance for improving conditions for the deaf population. There are problems that arise when these international organizations provide assistance.

A few examples include but are not limited to these reasons: some organizations enter into communities without being invited first. One can speculate that this reason alone may breed hostility from the community towards the organization trying to help. In poorer or rural areas, the programs of developmental assistance are impossible to duplicate because the foundations of such programs were created for ‘ideal’ situations. Being in poor rural areas, the conditions are less than ideal. Instead of being able to do for themselves, the people become dependent on this serving agency. They are unable to have community ownership of the program. Another example of a provocative problem found in the American organizations trying to help, is that they do so with their own values and there is little to no regard for existing cultural values at hand. The mention of culture here involves both Jamaican culture and Deaf culture. With a superficial knowledge of both, the Deaf Jamaicans found it absurd to think these organizations can effectively implement the plans made in the developing country’s best interest.

There were two religious organizations and two non-religious organizations working to improve educational conditions for deaf Jamaicans. The non-religious organizations focused on building schools, paying for children’s tuition, the people who taught in the schools were fluent in JSL, usually high school American graduates, and generally paid for maintenance costs to keep schools running. They did not evangelize.

The religious organizations also built schools but heavily relied on interpreters instead of learning JSL to teach the Deaf Jamaican students. Teachers often taught in religious instruction. These organizations even went so far to build deaf villages where the deaf community could earn wages at an on-site factory and raise their families.

None of the organizations had Deaf Americans serving and helping to implement educational plans in Jamaica. This did not go by unnoticed by Deaf Jamaican community. There were many suggestions by them when it came down to analyzing effectiveness of American organizations, to start hiring Deaf Americans to serve as role models and instructors in their schools. Deaf culture was neither taught nor encouraged in any of the new schools built. Generally the Deaf Jamaican culture felt as if they were between a rock and a hard place. Their own government would not put funds aside for educating people with disabilities so they had no choice but to be grateful for the American assistance. Still this bred dependency that the Deaf Jamaicans did not enjoy. Being kept dependent, Deaf Jamaicans could not feel the freedom of doing for themselves or have the opportunity to learn about Deaf empowerment. Many felt they were being segregated when “deaf villages” were built for them. Deaf teachers and deaf leaders in America wonder why the administration never contacted them for their input since Jamaican Deaf culture obviously demanded and respected American Deaf people more than the ones that surrounded them.

However there are now signs of progress to implement better conditions. More Deaf Americans are being encouraged to be recruited to enroll in international development degree programs. Deaf Jamaican organizations have invited Deaf professionals to make short visits and take back with them the knowledge of how to educate about Jamaican Deaf culture to the American Deaf mainstream. More American volunteer organizations are becoming inclusive of deaf people to send overseas and educate those with disabilities. The Deaf Jamaicans are learning to stand up for themselves and be less passive regarding JSL almost being wiped and replaced with ASL in some of the schools recently established there.

In conclusion, it should not be about whether or not a Deaf Jamaican was converted to some American religious serving agenda but instead we should try harder to learn about their culture and learn their language. We are being sent over there to help them empower themselves. To give them the tools to become self-sustaining would serve the community in the long run than to keep them dependent on outside services. Our services should not have to involve the annihilation of a beautiful already existing culture. There are bridges that could be built so an understanding of both cultures can be reached and grounds for mutual respect and teamwork established.

2005-11-13T07:56:00.000-08:00

I am soooooooooo glad Saturday is over with. I had a test that morning and was cramming like you wouldn't believe for it two days prior. Tried planning my study time better so it'd spread out through the week but things kept coming up and throwing me off track. I took the test and I think it went well (crossing fingers) will wait for the results next week.

We're learning how to write lesson plans, objectives, satisfying Colorado Standards....it's all very interesting to me. I work everyday creating lesson plans for my one on one so creating isn't such a shock. I just never realized how much more goes into it and if there's enough prep time I'll start incorporating all I've learned. I'd really like to for the practice and to develop the skills neccessary for becoming a teacher. I am just so thrilled to be taking classes towards my Bachelor finally and not wading through the general requirements anymore. Gosh that feels great!

My new philosophy as of last week is "Sleep is for the weak!" haha more like that will be the philosophy when there's deadline pressures looming. A little crawfish told me to make sure it's only for four hours since the five to seven hour range tends to throw people out of whack and the tiredness stays on and on with them. I'll take that to heart and I think she's absolutely right. I am able to function better when I've had only three to four hours compared to the 6 to 7 I'm used to (when there isn't any academic pressures breathing down my neck).

It's been interesting to learn the politics going on at RMDS. I stay on as a silent trooper for the most part. I'll make things ten times worse if I go in there charging into something and I'm not aware of all the aspects at play. I did however suggest we develop a fundraising/grant writing committee and that was met with entusiastic responses. Just need to learn now, of what the best way to go about it is. I wrote one letter a while back asking one company if they'd be willing to hold a fundraiser for us and at the moment I know they are putting together a donation to make to RMDS so that was pretty cool to see my efforts paid off.

I recently put together a Guided Reading Lesson plan for my Foundations of Literacy class. They asked us to make modifications of the worksheets for the special-needs child. I kinda went overboard on that one I think. I chose the book, "The Three Little Wolves and The Big Bad Pig" by Eugene Trivizas. Then made a poster board of a sequence activity. For those who aren't familiar with the story, the three little wolves make houses out of , bricks, concrete, wires-metal padlocks-pexiglass-nails, and finally out of flowers. It's a really cute and silly book I'd like to go out and buy it at some point. Anyway I drew four houses on the top of the board lined up next to each other. Used red sandpaper with white crayon drawn lines for the brick house, used broken bits of concrete slab for the next house, nails-broken pieces of pexiglass- wires-picture metal hangers, and finally some fake flowers and hot glued the materials down on each of the four houses. Only I didn't put them in sequential order I mixed them up so the special-challenged kids can take the laminated 1 through 4 houses with velcro on the back and decide which house came first, second, third and fourth.

It was alot of fun making it and I didn't even remember until the last minute that we were supposed to make modifications for Special Education. I guess I know I'm in the right major if I'm willing to go the extra mile despite all the pressures of everything else I had looming above me! I walked into class and um I was the only one to bring a poster board like that into the classroom so I kinda felt a little silly. Hey you know what an overambitious teacher-to-be is better than an unmotivated teacher-to-be, right? PFFTTHH!

I realize this blog entry is about work and school and not much else....well that is pretty much what my life is consumed by right now. No real dating life, the occassional one now and then but no one I'd consider investing serious energy into, friends and a social life seem to escape me lately but I'll catch up to them when I'm on my winter break, I do see family now and then. Mom helped instruct me how to make quiche for RMDS staff lunch when my turn was nearing. Very easy to make! I had no idea it was that easy! Something so delicious seemed to me like it'd be alot of work but nope. Mom also helped me to make a nest. Oh yeah, we had "Spirit Week" at RMDS and one of the days was "Wild Hair Day" so I had this idea to go to Hobby Lobby and get some things to make a nest to put in my hair. Went to moms house and we constructed a really cool one! Baby birds attached to bobby pins so they'd be able to cling in the center of the nest in my hair. A mama bird sitting on the edge of the nest which we hot glued. Fake bits of moss glued all around the edges along with random feathers and even fake mushrooms we glued on pins and I put them randomly in the back of my hair so it'd look like a forest. The kids reallllllllly loved it and the staff laughed.

Alrighty I need to sign up for Spring classes online so catch y'all later!

2005-10-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

Fall in Glenwood Springs

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2005-10-14T22:44:00.000-07:00

Lessons!

I can't wait to begin my lessons in four days! Starting Wednesday nights I will join in with a friend who takes them. What is "them" you ask? Belly dancing! Now don't laugh. I'll have you know full size figured gals have been performing since the arts was invented. They would perform in temples, at weddings, community gatherings, for sultans...in fact it is customary today for Egyptian weddings to hire belly dancers to perform for the newly married couple.

Funny, I lived in Oregon only a few short months but had two friends with whom I resided with at the time. Missy and Gary. Missy was/is a belly dancer and performed at India restaurants where Gary and I would go to watch and be supportive of her. She used to nag on me all the time to take classes with her but was always met with a resounding reluctance. I insisted that queen sized womyn could not partake of the arts where the focal point would be on the stomach. This isn't true though, there is a large variety of costumes that flatter the body in a better way and the midriff does not always have to be shown. I weigh maybe a little bit less than I did when I lived in Oregon though. What changed? My attitude, that's what. Gone are the days that I'm sitting on the sidelines watching life slip by me.

Time to get actively engaged and participate in all of the adventures life has to offer me!

Check out this link: http://www.angelfire.com/art/bbwdance/cando.htm

Can't wait to learn how to shiiiiiiimmmmmyyy properly!

2005-10-10T22:37:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh I know I haven't blogged for a little while. Of course the not-so-subtle GrayStorm takes the opportunity to remind me ever so bluntly to upgrade it! Hehehe. Okay okay...

Work
Well I am finally learning the flow of things. I swear there were times I was ready to get up and walk away and find another job back with Denver Public Schools (DPS)where I worked under last year. It's had it challenges and still does. I am not entirely sure I will be there for the Spring or if I will indeed decide on going back to DPS. Time will tell and I'll make my decision in a month or two. I love the gal I work one-on-one with though. Can't help but bond with her being her sole educator on a daily basis. The third grade teacher who works there has never had experience with special needs kids and I've had a year under my belt of a variety of kids who deal with one or numerous disabilties. So basically, I am the one who comes up with all the lesson plans for her and modify everything I possibly can to make it the least restrictive environment for her. I also had a volcanic eruption of ideas of how RMDS could be improved but PlanetKai threw me down in the dirt and told me to become a wallflower, not stage a coup. She was absolutely right to do that too. I am new, "young", just starting out in my major and these teachers that are there are older and more experienced. I am learning to keep my ideas documented and in check but not so much to voice them just yet. Especially if I am unsure I'll even be there through Spring. The reasons are long and varied of why I am contemplating the switch back to DPS so I won't get into all of it here right now.

School
It's going great! Never better! I had a presentation to give with a group on Attention Defict Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) last Thursday. Whew we prepared long and hard for this and did some research where I not only relied on textbook material but asked two close friends of mine how they dealt with it on a daily basis. Riled up some pent up emotions on their part I think but I think if anything, they were glad for the check-in with themselves. Since most presentations consists of PowerPoint we decided to spice it up by adding a skit. This was a skit based on our case-analysis book in which a third grader named Maria had ADHD. She was often daydreaming in class, hardly bothered other students but because of her inattentiveness, she didn't complete the classwork in a timely fashion. We modeled how a teacher should NOT approach Maria then turned it around and acted out how the teacher should be treating Maria. Guess who played Maria? Yeah, I did. That was fun. In the case analysis book she had long black hair so as a joke the group brought me one of those halloween black wigs. I wore it of course and added a bunch of girly clip-ons you might find in a typical third-graders' hair. Hey I work with them everyday, I think I've become an expert now on their behaviors ha! The class started laughing when I came back in with the wig. Hard to keep myself in character but pulled it off nicely. I mean daydream and be inattentive? Not that hard to act out heh. Even threw my voice a few times when the "teacher" kept asking me to pay attention I would whine, I AMMMM! I had fun with this!

On another academic note, the teacher from my other class asked for permission to read my paper to the class. He found it to be a 'model' paper and said it had excellent voice fluency. That was a heck of a self-esteem boost! It's nice to be reminded thatI am more intelligent than I give myself credit for.

Family
They're all doing pretty good. My brother also wrote an excellent paper. So good that the professor pulled him aside and accused him of plaglarism. Aaron was shocked of course and stood his ground. Challened the professor to check his sources if he didn't believe this was his work. The professor was taken back and said for as quiet as Aaron was in his class, he was thrown off but now he expected ever paper he turns in to be just as competent. That's my brother! I called him up and told him how proud I am of him when mom shared that with me. He's almost done with his Bachelors in History. Not sure what he plans to do with it but chances are he'll just keep his butt in school and go all the way to receive a Masters.

I'm sure the rest of my family is doing okay. I've been busy juggling school, work and volunteer time that it's hard to keep updated on a consistent basis. Mom and I are refining our relationship as time moves on and I'm so grateful to have that opportunity too. It wouldn't occur if I wasn't living here at home in Colorado.

My babies are doing awesome. Of course I spoil them rotten but they're my precious companions what can mama say?!

Friends
Great social life! Though getting a little tired of the small and limited queer deaf community here. Often times just of the entire deaf community itself. I just get so tired and frustrated with people therein trying to stuff me into some box to adapt their comprehension of me better. I am too eccentric and eclectic to fit inside any narrow box they might be waving in front of me. Starting to develop more connections with hearies who know sign-language. In fact, I might be heading to the Springs for a college party this weekend. Supposed to be climbing with ladies so naturally Jordann wants me by her side to take the edge off. I still have very close relationships, one on ones with several deafies here but the whole deaf group events is starting to lose its appeal to me. I'd just like to find a balance of both integrating themselves in my life.

Love
Ha what love life?! I'll admit one thing. I joined a Personals website. Never thought I'd be the kind to do so but think about it. As busy as I am, where else can I narrow it down to meeting like-minded people? I am sick of the noisy bars and that's too nervewracking to follow conversations that are occuring around me. If you're deaf with deaf then no problem but if you're deaf mingling amongst hearing gals, major hurdle to overcome. I've only been registered less than a week and I've received a few inquiries.

Honestly, I believe in starting off as friends and if there's enough chemistry that has grown from there then we can proceed to dating. If there's not then what the hey I made some new friends! Either way I'm content. I know all the safety rules too guys n gals so no lectures. Talk for a while online, if meeting them do so in a public place and tell a friend where you'll be going and when you'll be back and who you're meeting. Covering my bases because there are lots of weirdos out there! I've pretty much accepted with the tiny deaf lezzie community that is here in Colorado, I will most likely be found dating hearing. I have no problem with that as long as they invest enough interest to learn some ASL or take a class down the line.

Other
I am sooooooooooooo looking forward to Fall Break from RMDS. Definitely will be going camping with one friend this weekend OR out with another to CS to meet some new strangers and play. Haven't decided which but either way, mountains here I come!

I went to this most amazingly serene place last weekend. A Buddhist temple. Wow! It was really such a long overdue treat to my psyche to feel renewed and centered. The artwork is still an undergoing process for inside the Great Stupa but the exterior looks amazing and colorful! It's a fun trek through the mountains then out of nowhere it appears! Took my breath away, especially when I went inside to meditate. Click on The Great Stupa, view the actual Stupa and then go down and click on "Giving to the Stupa".

http://www.shambhalamountain.org/stupa.html

That's all for now folks!

2005-09-22T15:45:00.000-07:00

Merry Fall Equinox to all!

Have a blessed one. As the wheel turns bringing us into a new season, learn from the leaves on how to let go. It might involve some hardships emotion-wise, maybe a decaying friendship, maybe a relationship you hoped would blossom, maybe a broken heart you held onto a long time, maybe....well the list can go on and on.

I'm slowly doing all of the above right now.

I finally took down my "Red Ray" painting I had up for a long while. For those of you whom have never seen it, it was a painting of a broken heart behind bars covered in actual banages, band-aids, zig-zag threads, a key that I added, fire in the background and tape painted silver for the bars. It was pretty intense and it was how I was feeling at the time when I painted it almost two and a half years ago. Actually I added onto it as time spanned.

I offered it up to the Goddess and invited change to unfold in my life.
Then took back the key.

We'll see what She has in mind for me. Invoking change was no easy task, so I am a little nervous but full of anticipation and readiness.

I have always been mesmerized by natural revelations in the Fall. The message being that life will intensify itself to the fullest before letting go. Climax of sorts must occur and then the ultimate release can transpire in leaves and humans alike. The copper-reddish leaves spiraling its bittersweet journey towards landing in the unknown. Downright unnerving but neccessary for all life. On that note, may you have happy changes this beautiful season!

May you all learn to let go of what no longer serves your path.
So your footsteps become lighter and your hearts burn brighter.

2005-09-04T22:31:00.000-07:00

(For those of you who don't know, Natalie is my all time favorite singer. She's able to really capture my feelings in her songs or the way I'd present them. This is one of my personal favorites).

My Skin
By: Natalie Merchant

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here that I don't understand
Your face-saving promises
Whispered like lies
I don't need them, no.
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

Well contempt loves the silence,
it thrives in the dark
Slow winding tendrils that strangle your heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
But I don't need them, no I don't need them.

I've been treated so long
I've been treated so wrong
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow dying flower
In the frost killing hour
Sweet turning sour and
untouchable

Oh, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh I need this

Oh I need
a lullabye
A kiss goodnight
Angel
sweet love of my life
Oh I need this

I'm a slow dying flower
In the frost killing hour
Sweet turning sour and
untouchable

Do you remember the way
That you touched me before?
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?

Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them

Oh I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this

I need a lullabye
A kiss goodnight
Angel
Sweet love of my life
Oh I need this

Is it dark enough?
Do you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Oh, I'm leaving.

You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
You kiss me now, you'll catch my death
Oh I mean this

2005-07-26T03:05:00.000-07:00

Funny, about ten years ago I was informed by someone that my dominant aura color is Magenta. To see that it hasn't changed and it is still the color that comes up as a 'power color' of mine is just cool. What's yours? Take the test it's only five questions I believe.

Your Power Color Is Magenta

At Your Highest:

You energize yourself and push others to suceed.

At Your Lowest:

You feel frustrated and totally overwhelmed.

In Love:

You are suprised by who you attract. You're a love magnet.

How You're Attractive:

Open and free spirited, people want to explore the world with you.

Your Eternal Question:

"What is my next source of inspiration?"

What's Your Power Color?

2005-07-26T02:31:00.000-07:00

Out of all the songs in my iTunes Library, I play this one the most. The artist is Dido and the song is just inspirational and represents a bit of the ideal I'd want IF I were to have a partnership down the line. The idea of checking in with each other throughout the working day so one doesn't feel so overwhelmed with demands, would be kinda nice to have. Also the part of arriving home and being greeted with chemistry and comfort would be something I'd love to anticipate. Usually a relationship boils down to one or the other and I happen to think one can experience a dual synthesis of passion AND comfort. Enjoy!

THANK YOU
My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today,
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply
that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad,
it's not so bad and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last
and I'm soaking through and through
Then you hand me a towel
and all I see is you
And even if my house falls down,
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

2005-06-29T10:41:00.000-07:00

Seize the day! Two powerful planets are facing off in the heavens right now – energetic Mars and expansive Jupiter – offering a rare opportunity that comes just once every two years.

The opposition of this dynamic duo is an astrological event that generates boundless energy. Don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling called to take action and move into new territory. Put your worries about overstepping aside. With Mars and Jupiter in your pocket, it's better to take the leap and go for it!

Also, Mercury and Venus just had a shift of energy come bearing down when in conjunction with Saturn. Mercury is responsible for communication of all kinds and how we think while Venus is responsible for feelings, matters of the heart, where we get our passion for things in life. Saturn? Whew, Saturn pushes us to take those risk-taking leaps and teaches about discipline and the will to move on. So if there's been some strange outbursts of events taking place in your life, well it's happening in the Universe as well.

Mine has been about dealing with constraint and limitation, fun fun fun! (Not) However I found when I throw myself into my paintings, the old or new, I can express freely and deal there. Whatever works huh?

If the planets are spinning, chances are you're going to be too. We are after all, interconnected. Blessings on harnessing this energy properly. Roll with the flow and see where you end up.

2005-06-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

"Life is not about the amount of breaths you take, it's about the amount that take your breath away"

This is from the movie I saw recently called, Hitch.

I really liked this movie, a romantic comedy and a must-see if y'all haven't yet.

2005-06-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

JP and I. We switched hats that night because we looked better in each others' HA! This was taken right before we went out to Ms. C's.

Posted by Hello

2005-06-12T23:03:00.000-07:00

RedRay

Posted by Hello

2005-05-19T14:00:00.000-07:00

YEEEEEAAAHHHHH! I got the job as a Teachers' Assistant at the Rocky Mountain Deaf School! I am so E X C I T E D! I start on August 12th. The interview was about 45 to 50 minutes long and done by two teachers and the principal. Sheesh I've never been interviewed by more than one person before! Very challenging questions thrown my way and I surprised myself by some of the thorough answers I gave in return.

One I think I'll remember for a while, they asked if I saw something the teacher did that I didn't agree with how would I handle that situation. I told them that I would deal with it internally first by asking the teacher in a neutral tone for an explanation/clarification of why certain behaviors had been enacted. I emphasized that it would have to be "neutral" because if I gave away that I disproved of something the teacher may then go into automatic defense mode and no beneficial solution would come from that. I could see it in their faces they were impressed all the while trying to 'smother' that expression and be strictly "professional" for the interview purposes.

They said they'd let me know by next week if I got the job or not. I thought sheesh, what a long agonizing wait but then they text me the next day and told me the job was mine and they all agreed to offer it to me shortly after I left the interview. Apparently I wowed them.

Not only does it pay slightly better but also comes with medical benefits! So I am set for a job next year to do during the day and will be taking my college classes at night.

Life is good!

2005-05-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

Yeah I know I haven't blogged in a while. Let's see what is new. Well the school I work at Baker Middle School is closing down at the end of this year. Not enough finances or students to keep it open next year. I've been exploring other job opportunities. Two are looking really good. One would be to continue working at another school under the Denver Public Schools district AND get benefits starting in September. Most Paras don't get benefits but because I know sign language they've considered me a real asset and are willing to offer up more in hopes I'll take the job. They have two deaf girls in their program and none of the current paras as well as the teachers themselves know sign language so you can imagine the NEED for one who signs. The second possibility is at Rocky Mountain Deaf School and they not only pay a little bit better but also offer benefits. I have my interview scheduled for next Tuesday, let's hope it goes well!

A longtime good friend of mine is moving from Washington DC to Denver. He'll be staying with me until he gets his own apartment and a steady job. I sure hope he likes it in Colorado. We have always talked about the possibility of him relocating here someday I just can't believe that day is this Saturday! Though I will miss my privacy and my space, I know life will also be enriched because he'll be around on a consistent basis in my life, so it's all good.

School is getting in gear though for the Fall. I am really excited to go back and finish up the transfer classes so I can get started on working towards a Bachelors Degree. Filling out FAFSA is becoming such a headache for me though. I keep bothering PlanetK with a million questions how to go about it....I'm sure she's sick of me by now. I had no idea that it wasn't free to fill it out online. They're charging you 80 frickin' dollars to get started. Um...excuse me but 80 dollars just to fill out an application for financial aid? What is wrong with this picture?! If I had 80 dollars lying around do you think I would be filling out an application to begin with?! What the BLLEEEEPP?! Whatever. I'll just fill out a paper application and mail it in. Sheesh.

On an intellectual note, I went and saw Maya Angelou the other day. Wow what an experience! She spoke about family influence in her life, her wariness of white people growing up, her transformations from child to womyn. She has "earned" 55 Ph.Ds! Most were earned through honoring her and she did attend Columbia University I believe....I brought her book afterwards and have yet to read it. One thing for certain though, her singing "This little light of mine....I'm gonna let it shine...this little light of mine....I'm gonna let it shine...let it shine...let it shine" will forever be engraved in my memory. She sang it so sweetly and with such conviction of belief in herself and in the rest of us. For all that we can achieve and become in this lifetime. She is a living example after all! I believe she also said she knows four or five different languages and travels all over to give her speeches. When asked what it takes to be a writer, she answered three things: "Something to say, the ability to express it and the courage to express it all" She simply amazes me.

Panthea and Pan are doing great! Pan is his usual friendly, love to LOVE cat. He loooooves to be near my head if I am sitting down. He'll climb up to sit behind my head...sometimes I wake up in the mornings and he's above my head on the pillow with his paws in my hair. Panthea is such a Cancer though which is driving me insane lately. She'll love on Pan for a minute then turn around and bare her fangs and hiss at him. She'll wait for me to turn on the water and then after I do decide she doesn't want a drink after all. She comes up to me and asks me for attention so I pet her and then she turns around and threatens to attack my arm. Moody moody moody! Typical Cancerian I guess. I sure hope I can handle another one moving in this Saturday! I should be able to, thanks to Panthea and PlanetK heh.

2005-03-02T13:54:00.000-08:00

When I hear people converse, bicker, moan and groan about how they think intellect is lacking in their partners, family, friends...I can't help but smile. I am not plagued with that nonsense. I used to think that I would want out of a partner, an intellectual equal. While it is true I would like her to be intelligent on some level, I finally learned there's something way more important than intellect. Also before I get into what that is, let me just say I wish people would stop looking for their partner, friends or family to be perfectly suitable in meeting all of their needs. It isn't existent. No singular person shoud ever be expected to meet all those needs for you. We can however fulfill our needs and desires from a multitude of people in our lives.

One of my best friends in this life IS my intellectual equal, but I know that I am not hers. She's way beyond intelligent and I can only wish that someday she finds her match too. Someone who will dance the quantum physics dance with her while I sit back and smile because she's living, engaged, active, and happy just to be having that stimulated conversation. I know in my heart I am able to meet her needs on other levels and that's enough for me.

I used to wish my ex would be my spiritual equal. She has so much potential within it is just a matter of activating it when she's ready. I should have never pushed or 'encouraged her highly' to engage herself on that path until she was fully ready. Instead I was able to get the spiritual hunger I felt met from another best friend living all the way on the East coast. I was able to have my wiccan conversations with roommates in California, they were mere fledgings to the Craft but quickly developed into their own inner powers and I had the privilege to guide and watch it blossom before me. In turn the three of us would do rituals together, usually with me leading as High Priestess. Later with me encouraging them to at least become the High Priestess of their Element when it was to be invoked for a sacred circle and magickal workings. They were able to quench some of my spiritual hunger and I didn't have to feel so isolated in my spirituality.

The emotional needs get met through a wide variety of people in my life. I think it is important that we take turns being emotionally strong for our partners, friends and family and not drain a single resource we have in our lives. When they're vulnerable, sad, feeling broken, be the glue for them, sit there and listen. Buy them a coffee and let them talk it out. Be their temporary source of strength to turn to and them give them the tools to find the strength within themselves for themselves. We should never create relationships where one feels dependent on another for their strength or their 'glue' to hold onto life....it's more than okay to carry them for a while, but it isn't okay to carry them forever. All the patience and gentleness in guiding them is vital but it is equally crucial to open them up to the tools to grasp onto for dealing with situations by themselves.

What I find more important than intellect, emotional, spiritual, physical needs to be met is this: WILLPOWER. People often speak of this word in association of quitting something destructive in their lives. I want to speak about the power in terms of getting things done and creating life anew.

I would rather have a partner that was WILLING to learn how to meet my needs only after she's had a solid grip on meeting her own. That way the relationship has a chance of lasting a 'lifetime' . I would rather have a partner that was WILLING to learn about my holidays but still be true to her own divine connection whatever that is. WiILLING to engage with me on one or all of the holidays, so she can show me that she not only finds me important but honors what's important to me too. WILLING to let me inside of her and give me a chance to learn fully who she is. Learning about a person to the fullest, weather its a partner or not, takes y e a r s. I'm not speaking of two or three years, I'm speaking y e a r s here. One should never expect the other to be able to 'read' them without open communication. That type of 'reading' without the open communication, takes y e a r s first. There are going to be times when our friends are able to read us better spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally....but that doesn't mean our partners are inadequate. It doesn't mean there is love lacking. It doesn't mean we aren't paying attention. We're just all designed and packaged differently. We all have different things to bring to the table. We have our strengths and our weaknesses and its up to the other people in our lives to work with that or not.

I will not get caught up in having a partner that has the highest IQ, or makes the most money, or is the same spirituality as I, or keeps up with all the latests 'fashions'. More than anything, I just want a partner that has the Power of Will behind her. I want that reflected in my closest friends and in certain family bonds I choose to nuture and grow with. My inner circle is made up of some pretty strong-willed people and that's because the people we are the most intimate with are a reflection of who you are, or at least, who you're trying to be. We tend to become close with friends because they have qualities that are either reflected back in yourself or qualities you'd really like to see grow within yourself. It's the same with partners. We're attracted to them because of a magnetic pull or a magnetic want. Honor those connections for without them as our support circle, we'll perish. Human beings weren't designed to be loners, that is an illusion if you think you are. Deep down to the core of our beings we are seeking CONNECTION with ourselves and each other.

We take this sacred connection and apply it to the world at large. Everything is inter-connected with each other, everything. Separation and lonliness are illusions. We all become deluded sometimes but it is our connections to animals, people and the world that will ALWAYS bring us back Home to where we belong. Closing your eyes and willing yourself to a better future is the first step in creating THAT future. Nourising the will to believe only the best in and of yourself will result in giving birth to the person you ache to become.

The power of will is what I find to be, the most attractive quality I'd ever want to find in a partner, a friend, and a family member.

If you find yourself without it, chances are you aren't really living then.

2005-02-09T13:58:00.000-08:00

I opened my book that I've had for going on 7 or 8 years now and I felt that this message really hit home for me. It's taken from my favorite spiritual author, Zsuszanna Budapest. After reading this passage again, I have been chanting "Hagia Sophia" these last few nights as I nod off to sleep. Just last night I dreamed of many symbols, all pertaining to fertility and love. Affirmations from Hagia Sophia herself. The winds are speaking to me again. Whispering of the rebirth that will transform my heart and soul again. It is my time to be stirred. I believe it's already happening. Here is Februarys' Message:

The Goddess Hagia Sophia Speaks

I have hidden this month's message inside a bear's cave, then changed my mind and thrown it on your threshold. Did you feel me encircle your house? You would hardly recognize me, I am so beautiful my cheeks are red from the winds, and my feet are damp from all the moisture I am pumping to the tips of my forests from the depths of the earth. Nothing is showing now, of course. It's still the dead of winter, but I have my hidden activities. We are busy down in the depths! My rowan is about to burst out in flowers, and in the south blooms my laurel, my bay. There are corcuses in my hair, and I have tiny snow-white flowers blending with the snow itself. I am heralding an initation.

A Spiritual strength, unlike that of any other time, is surging through me like the sap of the trees. I care for the depths of the soul. It's a new dawn. There is no more need to hide the spiritual strength of womyn. My name rings out freely from their lips, and I answer the call. I answer the call every time. This season I am the all-wise seeress, the witch of transformation. Have you felt the stirrings of my power?

Do I mean Valentine's Day to you? Can you hear the animals going in heat at night, howling, mewing, scratching at your door, making the sounds of wild desire? My wolves are mating in the North. They mate for life. I am sorry if you were lonely through the winter. I was with you. But I know what you mean-a mother's love can only go so far. After that, a partner is in order. Trust me in this one; Sophia can see your luck changing. I shall bear you the flow of my sap and carry you to your new beginnings. You shall be loved as I loved the folk who celebrated me on Lupercalia. You shall have new jobs, new monies, new houses, new wealth, new life. I want my children to take advantage of this power. I share with you gladly.

I have bought you the herb Hyssop o wash your eyes and see true reality, the kind of realitly that lives in your innerscapes, the wisdom in living and dying, but mostly the wisdom of rebirth. You are not one of those disgruntled children of mine who resent the wheel of life, who wish to beg off, to bail out, not be tied to me or to incarnations of thie own but to go away somewhere. I don't know what they mean. They want to get off the endless chain of rebirth, they sneer at the miracles, they say it's better to be unborn. I keep them in my blue sleeves, trying not to weave them back into my magnificient bird song-peppered tapestry of life. But they are not happy there either. They peek out and say things like, "look at the fools as they are entering new bodies again, they are falling in love again with life and with each other." They are not laughing either, these soured-up souls. I suppose all mothers have to contend with a few of these strange seeds, but you I care about; you're trying and you're winning. It's time for another visit, isn't it? Another date to cross over realities, another chance to transfuse you with my love.

Come see me in your secret place, your safe place, the temple of your soul. Sit down again in your room and then close your eyes and breathe with me, in and out, nine times. Then still your thoughts and imagine coming into my presence. Wait for an image to appear. I shall come to you as a beautiful young maiden, with far-seeing eyes. I will hold your hand and ask you what you wish to know. Say then calmly, "I am seeking the Self" Then I shall hold up a mirror to your beautiful face and make you see how your radiate rainbow colors through the universe, how you rsoul is all-knowing already, just like mine.

2005-01-24T13:58:00.000-08:00

Alrighty I know I haven't blogged in a while....

I'm still working at the same job as before. Love it! Just recently got awarded a cute 'award check' that reads:
Pay to the order of: Miss Rachella, in the amount of "lots of hugs", Memo: For caring and sharing! From: Baker Middle School. Now isn't that sweet? I think I'll frame it. Love the kids I work with they all have something different to teach me and I soak it all up with a smile and gratitude. I think what I like best about my job are the out of blue hugs from them. I'm constantly working and never sitting that sometimes when one of the kids steps into my path deliberately to throw me off I have to come to a halting stop and look at them questionably. They extend their arms and throw them around me and I swear my heart just lights up right then and there!

VR didn't come through for this Spring. They said 'maybe' in the Fall. Boy that threw me for a loop. Won't go into why it all went down the way it did but part of it has to do with their focus shifting more on jobs than school. So I thought about things long and hard and came to a conclusion.

Sort of....re-directing my goals. I will always love learning about herbal medicines. I just don't think the big guys out there when I apply for scholarships this spring for the Fall to go to school, that they'd support my degree. They're more likely to throw money at those who want to become doctors or teachers or even nurses than at someone who wants to study alternative medicine. So, I decided to return back to my original major. I'd like to get my Bachelors in Education. Also along the way in Special Ed and Deaf Ed. That way if there aren't any openings at deaf schools in Colorado down the line for me to teach at then I can still be a Special Ed teacher since there is a demand now for them. Down the line hopefully a position would clear up and I could get into one of the deaf schools and work as a teacher there.

I figure, once I am a teacher I can put myself through night school for herbology. Get a certificate maybe and end up teaching herbal classes on the weekend or at a private institute somewhere even. Won't give up that goal but it needs to go underground for a little while.

My apartment is coming along nicely. Still procrastinating on finishing the paint jobs I wanted to accomplish around the place though. Ugh, I really need to get in gear and get it done. My cats are doing great. Cody just sent this cool water fountain designed for pets to drink from since they are always drinking from my facet in the bathroom. They like it very much!

Roslyns' birthday was yesterday. I went down to the cemetary and visited her. I think I was the last visitor of the day because there were all kinds of goodies left behind for her. I know she would have loved the Care Bear Balloon her sister Nikki left behind for her. I had some alone time with her which I wanted, and just poured my heart out to her talking about life, mistakes, and triumphs I've endured lately. Of course it got emotional and I cried and just then on that cloudy evening, something parts and a ray of light shines down on me. I look around the rest of the cemetary and no where else was there light being rayed on. I knew then and there it was Roslyns' way of smiling and affirming to me that she's listening. I sprinkled pennies all over her grave. We had a memory we laughed about that involved pennies. Every time I see one now, I think it's her way of saying hello to me and I pick it up and smile. I tied a crystal on a pink (her favorite color) flowered fabric string and hung it up on one of the brances that extend above her site. I lit a candle and sang to her all of 'our' songs we used to love signing.

I miss her deeply.

2004-12-10T14:28:00.000-08:00

Belated BLOG!

A week before my birthday, I had a suprise party thrown for me. It was held in a very classy restaruant called Nectar in Cherry Creek. Alicia, Mya and Christy did all the planning to make it all possible. I arrived with Alicia and lo and behold! About 25 people were inside Nectar. There were candles burning on every table which was a total plus because I've always been a sucker for restaurants that have candles burning. I guess that comes with being a fire girl. I really enjoyed myself that evening chatting with new and old friends. I saw one womyn I haven't seen in ten years there! Totally awesome to see her again. The birthday cake was something special! It had a huge picture of the mountains in the background and two womyn swimming together in a mountain river. one looking towards the mountain the other looking at the other womyn with a fondness. Cool queer cake! Later was told that the original design was supposed to have them both nude but the business owners didn't feel 'comfortable' designing that. Oh well. They presented it to me and said "We figured a down to earth girl like you should have a nature cake like this" heh! The gifts were splendid! Got lots of candles (gee you can never go wrong with giving a girl candles now can you?) bath stuff, even a small cute water fall which my cats of course liked very much when I bought it home. Felt very LOVED by all!

Thanksgiving came and went. We met my brother Aarons' new girlfriend, Katie. She seems nice. Mom says she's crazy about him and insist they'll probably get married. I think mom is just restless to see both Aaron and I get married and have our own children. I wish she'd relax, we're only in our twenties you know, it isn't as if we're approaching forty! Aaron and I are the only two out of a rather large family to go off to college. You'd think that would be a good thing in my family. Sure they smile about it but you can see behind their eyes that they'd be prouder of us if we got married and had kids. Kinda absurd if you ask me. Then again it really is the typical Mexican values my family upholds. Miss Kai made some comment about how I am not the average Mexican-American daughter to which they should shove those values on. I am after all gay and deaf. I beg to differ. In my family, it matters not. They could care less if I were blind and crippled, they want to see me married and with kids. I keep telling them, all in good time, but I can see the constant worry in my mothers' face and eyes. If you ask me, I think Aaron and I are the smart ones. We're the ones that know a solid education is going to be the way to pave towards a higher paying income and with that we could afford way more for our children then. I don't want to be scraping by or living paycheck to paycheck. I hate doing that now but keep telling myself after college is truly done so many more doors are going to open for me.

When the time is right, I know I'll have a child or two. It'd be nice if I have the partner of my dreams by my side with that but I've learned over time and experience not to get my hopes up or expect that. Single parents may have a harder time raising the children financially and whatnot but there are added bonuses too actually. I wouldn't have to compromise with another on how I want them raised. I really really want to be able to raise them Wiccan and when they're of age and maturity and wish to explore another path, I'll give them the freedom to do so. I also feel rather strongly about wanting to raise them vegetarian until they are old enough to decide on their own if they wish to continue or go another direction. Many of the kind of womyn I attract aren't vegetarian. While that is fine with me, what about later if I choose to nuture that relationship? I see no possible compromise on the vegetarian vs meat issue and the choices we'd make for our kids. It's either one or the other in that area. I know these issues aren't to be pondered for a long long time but I think about them now anyways. It's better to be prepared right? It's better to know in the beginning of a relationship weather or not you can see raising a child with the other. Suppose they want their children to eat meat from the beginning? I just can't compromise there and I'd certainly never cook and serve up some baked animal flesh. The hardest part of my job now is just feeding the kids their lunches which consist of meat. It's not the diapers I gag at but the meat! I have to wear gloves when I wash their dishes too or I'd lose my stomach if I knew I was touching some shredded animal pieces. Now I've watched my dates and my former partner eat meat and that doesn't bother me. They know never to ask me to clean their dishes or cook them anything that has meat. They've always respected me in that area too.

Anyways I'm gonna stop before getting carried away or is it too late? Just some food for thought......vegetarian food for thought! HEH!

Oh and before I forget, Larry and KT came over my apartment and stayed the night after Thanksgiving was done. That was an awesome time to be had. KT was busy watching football of course while Larry and I gabbed away like the queens we are! It almost didn't happen, the visit. I'll leave that to Larry to explain away in his blog as it's kinda hilarious. So Larry get with it! TIme to work on YOUR belated blog now heh! Always nice to know that no matter how much time passes between long time friends, the bond and love are something to be counted on and cherished. Love ya Larry.

2004-11-22T13:40:00.000-08:00

Ahhh little Miss Kai insists on paging me at 2 am to remind me ever so gently and conveniently (smirks) that I've neglected my blog. Well she's right, I have been busy you know moving all my things and my cats back from California to Denver. Mission accomplished! I am now settling into my apartment and trying to get my place looking as nice as I can afford it to. I have hardwood floors as y'all know so most of my furniture is also wood too. Now my mother gave me an awfully nice couch that would've gone beautifully with everything and it even had a pull out bed for guest who stay overnight to be accomdated with. We took the door off the hinges and moved it into three hundred different positions and still it wouldn't fit through due to my hallway being a little too narrow and this annoying exit sign hanging on the ceiling in the way when trying to stand it up so we could slide it through. Ugh! I was depressed to have to drop it off at the Salvation Army since the couch looked nearly new. So, I'm stuck with these two yellow-tiger-striped chairs that are simply too loud to be sitting in my living room. My dad says he'd give me a loveseat out of his storage but I have no idea what it looks like and when he'll be back in town. Not sure that it's worth the hassle. We'll see.

Panthea and Pan are adjusting along nicely. I thought Panthea being so reserved for the last three years wouldn't take very well with having to share me and our new place with Pan. Boy, was I wrong! They warmed up to each other pretty quickly actually and my ever so reserved- uppity queen-who-dare-not- to- play- with- any -cats- for -the -last- three- years finally came off her high throne and is playing all the time with Pan now. They wrestle, nestle, groom each other. I about wet my pants the first time I saw them that close. I figured it might take a year before that type of behavior was exhibited. I am so glad it hasn't taken that long. Mama is happy that the three of us can purr contently.

I am grateful to JB. I was in a bit of an unexpected financial bind and she really came through for me. Paid the gas all the way and let me tell you folks if you ever rent Penske to move, it's about 80 bucks to fill it up so be warned! It was so hilarious when we ran out of gas in Mesquite, Nevada and had to flag down highway patrol to get to the nearest gas station. JB stayed behind with the cats while I went to fill up a red tank. We had been looking for a gas station the last hour and half but to no avail. Oh well. We made it safe and sound and I had a nice but bittersweet time with her while she remained in Colorado for a little bit. She does have a gay brother that lives in Denver and it was nice to see him again. Before she left back to California she made sure I was stocked with food to last me until my next paycheck and purchased a few things for my apartment. So again, gratitude can't be expressed enough here. Hopefully good karma follows her as she could use some right about now with her life in California.

I had a nice weekend recently. Family came over to see my place for the first time. Mom was the first one. I called her up that morning and asked her what she was doing at noon on Saturday. She said she was staying home trying to keep my little brother, Danny, quiet and warm as he was recovering from being sick. I told her then my next suggestion is obviously out of the question. She insisted I go on and ask her so I did. I invited her to join me in a protest at the capitol regarding the unjustice of unverificable machine votes, especially those found in Georgia and Ohio. In one small county in Georgia there was only six hundred and something people registered to vote but the machines say there were 2,000 that voted and most were for Bush. Something is off here and what are we doing about it as a people? Sitting back and taking it passively? Well not me, I at least wanted to rant and scream about it and a protest was the perfect outlet for that. Mom used to work for the Democratic party office calling people all day long encouraging them to vote for Kerry so I thought she'd be interested in this. She paused for a moment after I explained what the protest was about. She said "Now remember you have a right to assembly but don't get too loud or carried away" I challenged her back and said "We also have the right to freedom of speech" Mom chuckled and said, "You're right.....okay let me leave Danny here with Grandpa and I'll come pick you up" I was pretty surprised. I really figured she'd stay home with little Danny. So she came over, saw my place called it 'charming and cute' and when I told her I was thinking of painting my room Lavendar she says "I knew you were going to say that!" We scrambled into her suburban and went to grab some coffee as it was starting to snow again. Bundled snugly we walked over to the capitol after parking and mom turns to me and says, " Dan (her husband) says I can get arrested but I have to be back to work by Monday" I laughed and said "Wow imagine that, mother and daughter arrested!" and we chuckled. We got handed protest signs from people who were just leaving so we're waving them furiously and I look around at the faces amongst me and saw a people of pride and passion. It was a small group maybe 40 to 50 people there. I got a little upset at that fact.

Why have people become so indifferent to what's going on in the world of politics today? Where has the passion to push for radical changes gone? I was really really turned off when a friend of mine was leaving before my mom got to my place, turns around and says to me "It won't make a difference you know so why bother?" I snapped quickly in response and said "Because of people like you? You're right it won't make a difference. It may be too late to change things but if enough people uproared you'd be pretty surprised of the changes we are capable of bringing and the amount of power that we do hold if we come together first" she just scurried on down to her car and left. That's when my disgust at peoples' indifference emerged that day. Now I'm not naive people, I know Kerry accepted his defeat and that's pretty much all there is to it, but have you ever wondered? If enough people uproared, what passion could do to ignite certain changes? We at least need to focus on trying to remove the stupid computer machines out of the voting system and rrestrict it to paper ballots only. How many of these computer people monitors were fanatically Republican when they made the countdown of votes? Why isn't there some kind of policy or law that says those people who are hired for countdowns need to be of an Independent party or just plain neutral?

Here are some of my favorite signs I saw that day:

"Correct Electile Dysfunction"

"Veterans didn't die for a rigged election"

"I voted.......I think"

"The machine ate my vote"

"Paper ballots are the way to true democracy"

"RIP True Democracy: November 2nd 2004"

Did you know that tens of thousands of minority people are purged from the computer votes because their names are slightly similar to that of felons? That's just messed up. What did you guys do when you found out about all this? How many of you sat there passively and took it?

Not I, and certainly not my mother. We ranted, we raved and mom even made people laugh. They had some speakers talking about Bush being interested in bigger and better warheads and nuclear weapons and how he's so fixated on technology to explore Mars and mom screamed out "I'll PACK FOR HIM!" I never thought out of all people, that I'd attend a protest with my own mother. Thanks Mom, you're the coolest!"

2004-10-04T23:04:00.000-07:00

"If you know what life is worth, you will look for yours on Earth". Bob Marley

2004-09-28T13:49:00.000-07:00

Hmm....

Well I had my appointment with Vocational Rehabilitation today. It went smoothly. I knew it would, my counselor and I always had a good rapport with each other in the past and still have it today. We did all the paperwork now it is just the two month nervewracking process of if I get accepted or not for their services.

Problem with this is? I don't have two months to wait it out and find out the result. I need to make my decision in one month where I'm going and hope for the best. I'm choosing to move back to Colorado and praying like hell I get accepted for their services so I can go to college at Metro State. If I'm not accepted then I'll start working full time instead and start saving for tuition there. Though it might take me an entire year to save up one semester worth of tuition and at that rate the whole completion of transfer credits would be a long way off....

There are still scholarships to check out, hopefully I can swing it somehow. Gawd I so need a sugar mama right now (giggles). Yeah like that's gonna happen. I really want to come back here and re-charge. Even if it is only for two years before I have to journey onto another college in another state.

So now it's onto the next step, start checking out apartments in Downtown Denver and making appointments to go see them every free time I have in October. I'll probably be able to secure an apartment before the month of October is even over! Then take off to California either the last week of October or the first week of November. Will stay a week there and then make my move back here. Oh Goddess FINALLY it's coming together somewhat! I pray I can find me a one bedroom place that's affordable and not have to go with a Studio instead. Oh well at least I'll be securing a place for me and my lovable furry companions!

2004-09-18T13:39:00.000-07:00

WHOO HOO!

Got myself a job finally! Feels real nice to be working again. I was hired as a "Substitute Paraprofessional". Basically what we do is go to different elementary, middle and high schools and work with a group of students who have different ranges of disabilities. From Downs Syndrome, Autistic, Emotionally Disturbed, and so on. The teacher sometimes will give you the lesson plan and you are to help her teach the group. Sometimes it is really down to some of the simpler things like helping them to feed themselves, brush their teeth, clean up after themselves etc. those are the life skills that they will need to learn as they get older so it would enable them to feel somewhat independent. There is also board game playing so that they learn to interact with others effectively.

I already love this job. It comes with extremely rewarding feelings within and they do some things like reach out and hug you which completely catch me off guard. Not only do I teach them but they teach me as well. I love the compassion that takes place between the students and the staff.

So we'll see, if Voc. Rehab will support me to go to college in Colorado then I'll be moving back if they do, with no hesitations. Even if it is only for two years to complete the last of the math and science credits needed to get into the college I really want.

Onto another note, I am working with an event called The Marriage Caravan. They travel from San Francisco all the way to Washington D.C. and will be stopping in Denver on October 6th. There are activities planned around their arrival to spread more awareness and gain more support for marriage equality. I am going to be publicizing the event on different college campuses and wherever else they will need me to do so. Then help out during the activities that day. On October 7th they will have a rally in front of the state capitol and I will make a protest sign of some kind and be in the front lines. Any suggestions for what I oughta say for the sign? Here are some of my thoughts:

"Oh, evolve already! Give us the basic human rights we deserve!"

"Love is love and knows no set and organized gender roles"

"Love INVOLVES all, let us EVOLVE"

"Marriage is a sacred institution, we are capable of upholding it"

Those are just some of them. Any other suggestions you could think of or which one above is your favorite?

2004-09-06T19:43:00.000-07:00

Reclaiming Myself

Life, is seemingly in a constant flux of life and death. Indeed, there are manifestations of that very journey found in many of our endeavors. Hard to imagine belief in the words: stable, settled and secure. Form is always changing. Intermittent cycles.

I journey on shedding the verbal baggage of the past. Stepping unto myself and my environment, (even if it is temporarily in the place I grew up), enables this shedding. Stranglehold of negative connotations from a decaying relationship manifested poison. If it is not addressed and shed, leads way to allowing destruction within our psyche. Funny how long something tortures and rings on mentally until you rise up and challenge to let it go.

"High-maintenace" what does that really mean? According to the American Heritage Dictionary, 'maintenance' means the act of maintaining, the work of keeping something proper in working condition, a means of supporting. So I guess if you say 'high-maintenance' it means making much effort into keeping something in 'proper working condition' right? Isn't it funny how we start off as ourselves, esteem intact and if we enter a relationship it means anothers' perspectives, values, beliefs become absorbed? Not necessarily mirrored, but definitely absorbed. The negative and the positive. The critical and the loving. We get caught up in this eternal dual synthesis of a dance.

That poison has lingered a long enough. Now I take the reins actively to purge myself of that mental stagnation. If called something long enough, it becomes a real struggle not to be influenced by its' power of suggestion. We are responsible for our shaping. We make choices that lead us to the places we are in today. Always fight to stand up for yourself, your self worth, your self esteem, your very spirit when in the context of a relationship. Never hand over the power to anyone, to strip you of any of these. You'd think that would be common sense but really it's a slipping rarity. All of us get caught up in how our partner 'views' us and the critical can be downright toxic. It's okay to leave room for growth in certain areas but it isn't okay to be seen as something reduced in value.

I release the toxins that keep me from moving forward. I know what I want out of life, I know who I am in this life, I know of my capabilities and limitations. I know how much to invest or not invest into something or someone. I strive hard today, to be someone that my children can one day look up to. It takes a lot to intimidate me and even then I don't flee but strive hard to work through that. I will no longer be passive when called certain things that I know are not true about myself. There is such an amazing sense of power that envelops me knowing that I can take responsibility for how I am to be shaped.

I want the best exerted from myself and others. A true extractment of that which is genuine. As I age, I become more refined, mature, experienced and confident. So if knowing what I want and not being afraid to go after it makes me 'high-maintenance' so be it. It is just a silly label that I allowed for some time to mess with me. I gave it the power to do so. It's this same power that I step up to now and reclaim. I set free, that which no longer serves my growth but the lesson it brought to awareness is blessed before it journeys on.

2004-08-31T01:18:00.000-07:00

Most of you who know me know then that I embrace various kinds of 'spiritual' truth. I can draw strength and inspiration from even some hardcore Christian spiritualists. As a Priestess of the Old Ways, I am secure enough in my own spirituality that their offers of insight do not unhinge nor threaten my foundations. Indeed only in this web of interconnection will one realize that true richness comes when spiritual leaders find a harmonious ground in which to share their wisdom. Only when we allow ourselves to listen openly, will we begin to see the prism for which a myriad of truths can then be reflected. When rays of light kiss the prism gently, we manifest sparkling consciousness.

What I'm about to share with you is taken from a book I am reading entitled, The Wisdom of Letting Go: The Path of the Wounded Soul by Father Leo Booth.

I am realizing I am not responsible for how you feel.

This is a very hard lesson for me to learn. All my life I had grown up believing I was responsible for your happiness, joy, sorrow, excitement and tears. The list went on and on. I never really understood that you have a choice in life, and that you are responsible for your feelings.

Feelings were never really discussed in my home, church or university. Even when I went to theological college, and we had long lectures on spirituality, faith and relationships, the topic of feelings rarely, if ever, came up. I was ignorant of my feelings, and yours. I certainly did not know who was responsible for the feelings that always manifested themselves. It was easier to simply to blame myself!

The above statement tells me clearly that I am responsible for how I live, what I say, and the actions I take. This includes my feelings. But I am not responsible for the feelings you have. It is somewhat arrogant to assume I am responsible for your feelings, because they are yours!

Of course, the statement is not saying my actions, behavior, and speech do not affect you. One cannot live alongside another, or in a community, without being affected or influenced by others- but your response to life and people is yours. Your responsibility.

The force of this statement prompts people to examine where they are in their lives, and whether they are living and operating in a "safe place." Choice is a powerful spiritual word, and it is so intimately associated with responsibility. If we feel sad, happy, angry, joyous, guilty, etc., them we need to take responsibility for healing and nuturing those feelings.

It is no longer acceptable to blame others for your twenty years of unhappiness because spiritually we will be asked why we allowed ourselves to stay in those situations for so long. Equally, we will be encouraged to take pride in the joy and happiness we have created by staying in certain relationships with healthy friends and colleagues.

Truly we are learning the wisdom of the statement: "We teach people how to treat us." This includes and affects our feelings.

Prayer: Spirit God, who created me with feelings that need to be expressed in a healthy environment, today I accept and take responsibility for them.

I just found this segment of the book really empowering and wanted to share. Hope it has stirred or awakened consciousness within some or all of you. It certainly did for me.

2004-08-17T22:01:00.000-07:00

Well I'm really gonna do it I've scheduled the V.R. appointment and an appointment to see the school and get a tour of it down in Austin. I actually made the appointment not realizing until later that it's the same day the school starts up for the Fall trimesters. Cool to see the campus in action then. All I have left now is to schedule appointments to see studio/one bedroom apartments. Definitely all close to the school I want to go to. Larry email me some contact info of your deaf friends familiar with Austins queer community I'd appreciate learning from one or more sources firsthand what it's like there over coffee. I look forward to visiting 6th Street and if I travel with Lessy, Hippy Hollow. Definetely won't want to visit Hippy Hollow with my Dad from Dallas! It's up in the air who I'm traveling with or if I travel there alone. Any way it works out is fine with me. If I go alone I'd stay at a hostel near the school, learn the bus routes, and just enjoy being there while I can. Lessy says there is a bridge where many bats live and I thought to myself that'd be so cool to see, along with a grrlie bar or two she knows of.

Don't have too much else to say at the moment other than I'm excited and nervous about this upcoming trip...anxious even more to see where it is I make the decision to move to. I'm sick of being in limbo with that. I just want to travel to the destination that will make me be who I wanna be when I grow up!

Whatcha think folks? A tree sit-in somewhere in a Redwood forest, or riding off somewhere into a Texan sunset? Let the dice land where it may, but sheesh land already, m'kay?

2004-08-04T00:03:00.000-07:00

I helped my family re-paint my grandfathers' house. We re-did the white foundation with brown trimmings and it looks so good, my grandma would be so proud. I am thinking of going to the art store to buy copper paint to do the outlines of the white deers on the shutters so that it looks even more spectacular. I especially took over for the playhouse I grew up in. Painting the primer on it and what not. Really was sentimental for me sifting through cozy warm memories of a childhood played out in past summer heats.

Been a whirlwind of plans lately too. Friends and family to catch up with and all. Am really having doubts about Austin simply because of not really having one support link there that I could count on....I mean dad is there but three hours away from where I'd be...Kristin may as well be in another state being all the way up North, and Nikki lives near my dad in Fort Worth so it's difficult to embrace a place where there are no links.

When I think of Santa Rosa, I have one link that is there and its a roommate I've already lived with in the Valley so that right there is appealing. She even mentioned a four bedroom house that we could rent, her and her new girlfriend and I. How interesting that would be since she lived with me while I was in a relationship and now the tables would be reversed if that plan comes through. It just feels easier on all levels if I chose Santa Rosa... hmm also Bastyr University sounds really really fantastic and I'm really attracted to their program so if I could get all the qualifications met in Santa Rosa I could then move to Seattle and go to Bastyr. How easy it is to talk about it, and so much harder it is to work towards it. Both of which I am dedicated to doing even though there is frustration at the pace it's taking...

Then again I remember once I said to a friend "Don't do things because they're easier....do things because it's the right thing to do and the right timing to do it in". Kinda gotta practice what I preach there. So maybe I will give Austin a chance and a visit...who knows. We'll see. If I go it would be in the first week of September or after a friend of mine has her child mid way through September, she'll kill me if I miss it.

I go bridesmaid shopping with a friend tomorrow she is to be the matron of honor and wants my feminine feedback. Oh joy in a store that'll remind me I'm pretty far from having that aspect played out in my life. Grrr heeeheee. That's alright, I have my educational goals to sustain me who needs a womyn to settle with? Fiddle dee dee! I won't think about that today, I'll think about it tomorrow!

Y'all watch the Presidential electional speeches lately? I enjoyed hearing what Kerry had to say when he was visiting downtown Denver, watched it on the news and liked his vows and of promising to make our homefront security stronger. I really think the war efforts would be withdrawn to several levels if he is in the office. I've been really impressed with the people downtown on the streets making sure people are registered to vote this year....this having a more weight of importance penetrating into our consciousness like it should. We can't go bombing our way into a country before a full investigation has even been thoroughly done. The slaughter of innocents is making me livid and sick. A stronger America DOES begin at home. Problem is, what of the other countries at risk and in need of our protection, hope, compassion, love and honor? We're called selfish if we don't help but jumped on for 'getting involved' if we do help.

Damned if you do....damned if you don't.

My vote is for peace. Helping to make sure ours is solidified but not stopping at that, helping to make the rest of the world find that solidification too. After all we really are much like a web, when one strand is ripped off there will be a ripple that shudders through the rest of the web making us alert to one thing: Interconnection.

2004-07-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

Hmm.....I go out on a date yesterday and mind y'all I haven't really had one in six months. It was......interesting to say the least. First dates are always....unnerving in my opinion. Ya gotta wonder how open-minded the person is that you're "dating" and I'm thinking to myself well she is forty years old, she's gotta be right? She was and she wasn't. Talk of spirituality had her raising her eyebrows a bit too much so I halted that talk quickly. Talk of politics was fun though, along with whats your favorite color, food, and so on....that part is always amusing right? Ah she's closed-minded with the whole 'rowing' but that's okay I can work around that. Not like I'm building a life with this gal, it is just a date. I wanted to take in the scenery, we were at Ms C's ( a country lezzie bar) but then I didn't want to be rude by looking around mid-sentence and all so we droned on and on all evening. Don't get me wrong the conversation was fine, the chemistry was so-so though. She hadn't been out on a date in over ten years....only because she said "I haven't found any interest til now" which was flattering... you know what the biggest highlight of my evening though was? When this cute soft butch comes up to me and signs "You are SO beautiful" I swear to Goddess I turned beet red and my date just smiled on awkwardly. The gal left smiling at me and I had to take a moment to will myself back to normal coloring in my face. LOL that did stir the heart nicely. Hmm. Will there be a second date? I dunno maybe...I miss the dating scene at the same time I don't really just want to date "anyone". Y'all know the saying "If you can't have Ms. Right....NOW then just have fun with all the wrong ones" or "If you can't have the one you love now, then love the one you're with" those are things I'm really trying to embrace here! Heehee! You know what I am tired of though? Bars bars bars! I want to see the Orchestra or something DIFFERENT for a change! Argh!

2004-07-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

LARRY! I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU! I went to Texas for a few days recently and indeed we did partake of this 'glorious tex-mex' you ranted so much about now and then and all I can say is:

DISAPPOINTED!

All the spices, salsa and whatnot are made so that 'white folks' can tolerate eating it. I had to pour alot of that pepper sauce that comes in a little jar on the table to make it even more hotter to what I believe is "MEX-STYLE"

Tsk tsk tsk tsk.

:-P

2004-07-02T18:49:00.000-07:00

Well I just got back a few days ago from an awesome trip in San Francisco and Santa Rosa. Went by Greyhound, got there at five in the afternoon and checked into the hotel with Veronica and Mel. My friends Jeri and Jen were also driving up from L.A. later on and joined us in our hotel room. Mel joined another room with two of her friends Billy, a fem-to-male transgender and his girlfriend, Mackenzie. Awesome energy those people! Later on we saw Spanky and Mica whom I've met and hung out with for a week back in January. Those amongst this group had the guts to go topless at Pride and of course I admired all the nice Goddess' handiwork here and there. (Laughs). I had no guts myself though to join them, I may be outgoing to most of you but hey some areas I am shy pfftth!

Pride was awesome, we were hanging off the fire escape and out the windows watching it go by from our hotel. Then towards the end we climbed up all the way to the roof of our hotel and watched the swarming mass of people join in at the end of the parade and they stretched on as far as the eye could see, a sea of faces! Plenty of alcohol and 'tea' all day and all night and lots of merriment and enthusiasm. We looked at the booths and all and I was debating between buying fairy wings or a cowgirl hat. I chose the latter. I put it on and just totally fell in love with the image reflecting back at me. I did look hot if I may say so myself teehee. Then Miss Veronica and I morphed into 'bad grrls' cause we both purchased the same saying on a black shirt, her a tank top, me a t-shirt reading "I am your next masterbation fantasty" now combined with my hot black cowgirl hat all I can say is YEEEEHHAAWWW! I was sizzlin! (Grins). I think the only place I'd really wear my shirt though is to the clubs or bars not really for food shopping ya know LOL.

Then we took off to Santa Rosa the next day. Went to the Armstrong Park and Russian River. Absolutely GOREGOUS there. I wanted to camp there for weeks. So much serenity and natural beauty. I like the mychronnial fungus growing abundantly on trees. Gives the trees a soft look and such vivid greenery! Reminded me of Oregon briefly. Then we went over to Bodega Bay which was pretty cool seeing the boulder-size rocks scattered near the shores and watching the water crash up against them. We went to a gift shop and I got some things for two or three people since their birthdays are coming up ;-)

Back to San Francisco the next day to take off home, Vee to Arizonia and me back to smoggy Los Angeles. Which brings me to my next point, yeah it's finally here! I am packing my stuff into my Door to Door Storage box right now and they'll be picking it up on the 6th which is when I leave too so. Finally it's registering to me more indepthly that I'm really leaving here. Next time I come back it'll be to pick up my stuff from storage and get my cats back from JB which will all happen in three months.

I don't feel really sad about leaving here...I thought I would. Then again what is it that is so great that I'm leaving? Not too much. I graduated and it's the perfect time to go forward and onwards. Might I say that the people in LA compared to the people in Santa Rosa are sooooooooooooo different. LA is more about vain fad appearances, cold and distant energies from people, car-obsessed, etc. Santa Rosa on the other hand is a really cool artistic-oriented community. Piercings and tattoos on people galore! Hippies, grunges, punks, down to earth people galore! It's like a completely different state but it isn't. It's only seven hours North from where I'm at. The people there aren't cold and distant but extremely warm and loving. They'll meet you and then you'll get kissed bye or hello once you've had a decent long conversation with em. They'll come bounding up to you (I'm think of Spanky right now) and just squeeze you hard with this huge joyous energy of merely seeing you. It has all just blown me away. There's a lot of clothes in my closet that I never wore in LA but would totally wear in Santa Rosa! Now y'all know me I usually wear what I want when I want how I want but after living in Los Angeles their 'society' finally caught up with me that unconsciously I did stop wearing alot of things that weren't La-ish. WHATEVER. No more engaging in that community anymore.

I still gotta visit Austin though. See the school, get a feel for the community. Still wish there were at least one person in Austin that I know so it'd be easier to meet others. I can do it again on my own and all though. It'd be fun to wear my hat there! I also got it for this country lezzie bar back home in Colorado. Ahhh Colorado...I go back next Tuesday. I can't believe how time just flies...

I miss Roslyn. I still shed tears for her everyday. We had alot of plans this month and it's gonna be hard staying in Colorado and not being able to call her up to cause some ruckus in Denver. After I had said my speech there, the family invited me to ride with them in the limo to the cemetary. Nice honor, sad ride knowing it'd be the last time I'd go 'somewhere' with her. I know she's around me in spirit...I do feel her. It's just hard to register she's truly really gone. Death will come for all of us at some point, it's not like I didn't know that but her being gone made me realize and wonder about some things. One major 'wonderings' is this: tomorrow isn't guarnteed so really what is the point to hoping for dreams of marriage or children or anything else when it may not even happen at all? I'd rather leave tomorrow with less dreams so my spirit wouldn't be pissed that I didn't get to fulfill this or that. I know its a morbid view. I know we should be 'livin to the fullest' and I'm trying but that one still is seeped down deep and I dunno I feel like I've become alot more wary of having anymore dreams. We're lectured all the time from a multitude of directions to 'live in the present' so in doing so does that mean we really shouldn't be hoping for anything in the future? Are we suckers if we do?

For the first few days after her being gone I kept wishing it were me instead of her. She had just gotten married seven months ago and her and Joel were talking about having children. I'm no where near being married or having children or even on that path of actuality with someone. What I do have behind me is a degree finally. Then that got me thinking....do I somehow value or hold more importance on family and marriage over obtaining a degree? I mean of course I want the next degree and am not giving that goal up and all but this was a real eye-opener on what I really feel is important in life. If I died the day after I got my Bachelors Degree, I'd be like well big deal. If I died months after being married and having my first child I'd be devastated. Kinda funny how some situations that occur in life will reel you far from the reality you're in to the reality you'd really like before you leave. Then you panic....what if you never get that? Then you get angry....are we living life on the edge or are we living some damn structured life? I think a balance of both is very vital but it's usually impossible. It's usually one or the other that you find yourself engaged in. (Remember the scarves Kristin? Geez).

Sometimes I think its a Mexican thang. The desire to have a wedding and children being rampant in our culture...that's bound to seep deep deep down the the very center of a child growing up in this culture.

Hmm.

2004-06-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

Send off for Roslyn

My best friend throughout high school died on her way back from my college graduation. Though there is much weight in my heart regarding owning her last memory, there is also so much honor felt too.

Here's what I will be saying at the funeral.

What can I say about Roslyn? A million things. I could stand here for the rest of the night and talk about her endlessly.

We were best friends all throughout high school. People used to tell us all the time that when separated from each other, we were angels but together was an entirely different story. Yes, we were mischievious during high school. We'd talk each other into ditching classes sometimes and ran outside laughing to do whatever we thought was better than going to class.

We used to stay overnight at each others houses. We'd stay up real late and our favorite pastime of all was signing songs together. Sometimes we'd sign one to the other but most times we signed them together, a little musical duet the two of us were. We were even in a Talent Show at Jefferon High together.

We had a fall out right before I left for college and didn't speak to each other for years. I missed her though wondered often how she was doing. Last summer I came home to Colorado for the summer and went to this deaf event. I saw her again for the first time in years. It hit me right then how much I missed our friendship so I went right up to her and started talking to her.

The thing about Roslyn and I is that once two people reach that type of closeness we had, it is very easy to start talking again as if no time had passed. We picked up instantly as if we never missed a beat.

In the last year that we were in each others' lives I was really learning about who Roslyn was as an adult, not the high school kids we once were. I had found myself admiring her and just really enjoying learning about her transformation over the years. It felt so good to be able to confide in each other again.

When she told me she wanted to come out to see me graduate, I was very honored and touched. I told her everyday online how excited I was to have her and Joel come out to see me. I'm glad I was telling her how honored I felt, it means the world to me now, knowing that she knew how much she was appreciated and is loved.

She was putting together this video for my graduation that had several people including my dad and brother and herself all individually talking about how proud they were of me. I haven't seen this video yet but this simple gesture of a project speaks volumes about how large her heart was. She not only made sure I knew how proud she was of me, but how everyone else was too. That is an overwhelming affirmation of her love that I'll carry with me for the rest of my life.

Roslyn taught me a huge huge lesson. She taught me that forgiveness, kindness, and compassion all go hand in hand with each other. One cannot exist without the other or it wouldn't be genuine. At my graduation speech they were talking about how America is a second-chance country. Most of at Pierce Community College were there on our second chances. I remember my eyes seeking Roslyn out in the audience and smiling at her when I heard that. I will forever be grateful for having that chance with her again.

If there's anyone here who didn't get to have that chance with her, now is the time to have it. If she could teach forgiveness, kindness and compassion in life then let her envelope you in it in her death as well. Allow her power to be transcendent.

In conclusion, let me just say that out of all the people I've known, Roslyn has always had a personality that was larger than life. If there could be one word that I feel captures her it would be this: Exuberance. This means joyously unrestrained.

She had a smile which was always contagious and her laughter had everyone rippling along with her in no time. She was fully coming into her own and she shone brightly. Since she was able to spread her love and make wishes come true, I think the symbol that fits her best is a shooting star. Indeed, whenever I really need her I will look to the starry skies and talk to her. I know when the stars twinkle she'll be letting me know she hears me. Here's a quote she had attached to all of our emails:

Starlight, Starbright, Little wish in the moonlight, Sparkle and Shine, You'll always be a friend of mine!

I will take the things she taught me and honor her by teaching others the same.

Thank you Roslynee for illuminating my life. I love you and Blessed Be.

2004-06-09T03:36:00.000-07:00

Well I did it! I'm no longer just a high school graduate but a college one now. Feels pretty nice to have that behind me after doing the work twice for this degree. I was so embarrassed though you all wouldn't believe it but Jeri and I got stuck in really horrible traffic that we not only missed our line-up but the actual walk to the seats too. It was HUMILATING to go around the center and quietly duck my way to my seat. Oh well though I was really only five minutes late but still the whole walk and everything was pretty vital to the ceremony, I felt horrible to learn dad was waiting to take a picture of me walking. The humilating feelings just wouldn't subside til finally a good forty minutes into the ceremony and then I started breathing normally again.

Aw sheesh of all times to be stuck in traffic. I was actually in the first row to walk up and get my 'degree' from the President of our college. Probably one of the first ten people to get the degree. They didn't do alphabetical order for some reason. Anyways, it was nice hearing all the screams of cheering and support when I got it, had to smile and as I walked down the ramp, raised my hands in the air with the degree as if to say FINALLY! Heheh. Of course, lots of pictures were taken with various people afterwards.

Some friends I wasn't expecting also showed up at Claim Jumpers to surprise me, some had drove from Long Beach, San Diego and Colorado. We had a long full round table of about seventeen people sitting and chatting away. Dad and Aaron (my brother), to the side of me and you wouldn't believe it....I am still swallowing this but Dad paid for EVERYONES' meal there afterwards! The bill had to have been over 300 to 400 dollars and I was protesting that they didn't expect him to do that and had every intention of paying for their own meal and several kept trying to give my dad cash but he was adamant about paying for the entire thing. "It's my daughters' graduation so back off" is what he kept saying. Very generous.
Got some nice cards, graduation gifts and all but I'd definitely have to say the CHAMP one will be getting a laptop from dad as a graduation gift. He'll be working on getting me one soon so that's real nice that I'll finally own a computer of some sort! No more telling friends "Well I gotta go in ten minutes my time will be up soon" good grief! I'm excited about being able to take it with me to like Starbucks and do my homework or research there and all. I've been so envious of those that have one while I studied my cards there.
Jeri and I had added rainbow tassels to our traditional ones and it was nice to wear that with 'pride' I normally don't really wear any rainbow stuff just because I've outgrown that for the most part. I was into that heavily at seventeen and at Gallaudet for the first time as some of you quite well remember. Had a few friends come over after dinner and play some games and hang out at my place. Here it is 5 in the morning and finally I can hit the sack after the last one has just now left. Only to wake up in three hours to say bye to dad and Aaron before they take off to the airport to go back home.
I really really had a blast with them and my friends. Felt very much loved and supported and it was just an awesome cherished feeling!

2004-06-01T18:31:00.000-07:00

Alrighty folks let me say first off I'm about to post a poem that I wouldn't have dared having the courage to do so if our little Veronica hadn't posted her poem a while back about being beneath some guy in the heat of lovemaking so here's my tidbit. Ahem, if you aren't liberated then don't read this!

I throw my head back and arch my back
Acts of self-love I do not lack
My fingers circle these two ripe mounds
Jolts of energy stirring southbound

Eyes closed, I lick my lips
My hands find my curvaceous hips
My mind free from sin of shame
My hair tangled and untamed

I spiral on this magnificient clit
Open and release my erogenous slit
An affirmation of love starts flooding out
A tingling sensation throughout and about

Rippling peak, the wild beast, discharged!
Escatic screams, seeing the world at large!

2004-05-24T23:46:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I had a CHAMP time at Long Beach Gay Pride Day. Went with two hearing friends whom know sign language, Jen and Jeri. We meshed in with the crowd and drifted by the booths lingering...when we had enough of people, Jen found a shady spot and dozed off, Jeri and I climbed up two tall trees and watched the bustling energy take place below us. There were various 'performing' booths where one played Country music, mind you I'm not against it totally I just haven't had someone patient enough to show me their moves really so I can't groove that way yet. Some of it is easy to get along with but the mass groups of people doing the same movements sometimes irritates the heck out of me. I like creating my own style.

Which brings me to my next point, there was another booth there which was the Techno/Hip Hop performing booth where the DJ spun his Cds in a feel-good vibin' way and people were swaying to their own styles on the dance floor. Now THAT I can get down with. Get down with it, I did! I wasn't shy to dance alone, Jen and Jeri insisting they were 'horrible' dancers and sticking to playing cards on the grasslands nearby. I dived right in really, closed my eyes and stood directly in front of one speaker, took off my hearing aid, and once I felt in sync with the beat I ventured out and danced.

I've been to a few Raves before and I feel like after each one I've visited I've picked up a couple new dance moves I liked and integrated into praticing them alone on my kitchen floor so I wouldn't lose it, ya know what they say if you don't use it, ya lose it. Anyhoo my point? I believe it paid off that Saturday night, I made eye contact with a gal and the two of us were dancing in the middle of the floor Rave-style, techno-style and we must've been pretty good because people started clearing a space for us and were watching us. Now I'm not one to normally go for the spotlight, if anything I cringe at it...oh sure I like it amongst my own close friends but in a crowd of total strangers? No way, not my usual bag.

We had several songs where onlookers crowded around us. I was so high on life during those songs, the intermingling of energy being exchanged while dancing, the total work-out of it and releasing all those endorphins pent up inside. Goddess, it was great!

I was really flattered to even experience people gawking at me heehee! I hadn't danced amongst people in a long while. Lots of queer boys came up to me afterwards and some were like "You are so much FUN to watch!" Some took pictures while I was dancing, some asked if they could take a picture after I had danced and was cooling off. That was bit over the top for me! One caught me off guard I was lifting all my hair up to cool off my neck and FLASH there goes a picture. I look up and it's this hard-core butch grinning back at me.(I always attract those types!) I smile sheepishly and just start to make my way to the other side. (I'm a little tired of THAT type) So somewhere in California I'm captured on varied films....not sure how to feel about that! Ah and a couple gals came up asking where I had learned to dance the way I do to asking me for my number.

Flattery flattery flattery! It'll get you anywhere!

Goddess, I miss dancing at clubs. Here in California taking the bus out to a cool one won't get you back home at the time you really wanna go back home. Busses here SUCK, very limited in their hours. I like Colorado at least there I had a friend downtown and could come crash at her place after a long night at a lezzie bar. In DC you always had at least ONE or TWO friends in your crowd that had a car and carpooling was very popular to get out to clubs. In Oregon, I could really walk a couple long blocks to a jivin' joint if I desired. California really needs a major lesson in carpooling, there are too many one person per car driving in the highways so there always seems to be so much traffic. Selfish people.

My body is still sore from that night, my muscles ache all over. It was all so worth it though! Lately, people as a generalization have just made me cringe. Yet when it comes to dancing, I love each and every soul on that floor. It's a place where I don't have to be intimidated to make eye contact with total strangers. I do quite the opposite, when I have someones' gaze interlocked with mine, my eyes are dancing as well with theirs. I love that part, total friendliness established! For once, where you buy your clothes to if you are hearing or deaf doesn't really matter. It's the exchange of sensual energy celebrated in a collective mass of bodies.

Inhibitions, completely shed.

2004-05-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

It is interesting to watch the fabric of our lives torn asunder. Even more so when it comes in the form you least expect it to. Expectations, probably will get you in trouble every time. We think those we surround ourselves with would portray common decency and respect but apparently it is an 'expectation' if we 'think' that's what will unravel our way. That is kinda depressing, when the masks fall away and the illusions are revealed. Perhaps, illusion will beget illusion.

Anyways...

I've dropped Portland, Oregon for a choice. Basically because the fact that they have no pre-requisites and anyone can get in kinda grinds me the wrong way. The college in Austin demands that you have an Associates Degree at least before applying for admission there. That tells me right there I would have a more structured challenge to rise up to. They say their program qualifies you to open your own clinic if that is what you wanted. Could ya all imagine me with a clinic of my own in Colorado?

Aspirations, aspirations! Hold onto them....sometimes they are the only you are left with in life when everything else and everyone else starts to slip away. So it is down to Santa Rosa and Austin. At least I'm getting somewhere closer to an answer than I was a few weeks ago. I like the idea of Santa Rosa obtaining a few more credits in mathematics and sciences and then qualifying for Bastyr University in Seattle, Washington. Their program is designed to make it so that you graduate with a Bachelors of Science Degree. I wish whoever the inventors of that title had come up with something different. If I go that route I'm gonna end up saying "Hi, I'm Rachella and I have a B.S. Degree" Riiiigghht, all that hard work for me to be saying a "b.s." degree? PFFTT! Why not something like Bachelors of Health Science aka B.H.S. something like that?

Maybe its these things nobody thinks about, but somebody has to heh.

2004-04-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

On my right hand I wear a symbol of footprints one side light, the other dark. The moment I first laid eyes on that ring, I knew it would be mine and worn daily. Such is a symbol amongst many that ring true of my philosophy. Life is always filled with lights and shadows, a synthesis of necessary duality.

Here is a shadow that maybe in sharing with you, can become light. Though, even in our darkness, we can be found beautiful. Some shadows are meant to be kept at bay, this one here is meant to be released. Actually, you could call it a Spring cleaning of sorts.

Release
So a garden did we construct.
Seasonal harvest of destruct.

Ultraviolet love, scalding my soil.
Oblivious to needing protection
Oblivious to your deception

Your maintenance of another garden,
I met violent shearing pruners.
Indescribable pain in my daunting ruins,
stirred.

Festering clumps of root rot
A decomposed story, wrought

The sun did not shine on merrily
A cold detached darkness, staring warily

Your gardening license is terminated.
Pah! Your staggering pessimism, eliminated.

So leave this garden, no strange hybrid need develop nor form.
Reservations closely guarded for a native norm.