Rays of Consciousness

Insight into who I am? Hmm, one of my dearest friends said, "You need to get your t.v. watchin, greenery smokin, feline lovin, tree-huggin, no meat eatin, Goddess-adoring butt out of that bed and get to school! You hear me?!?" Of course I mumble and grumble in protest, mornings aren't my bag.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Last Saturday I had a CHAMP time at Long Beach Gay Pride Day. Went with two hearing friends whom know sign language, Jen and Jeri. We meshed in with the crowd and drifted by the booths lingering...when we had enough of people, Jen found a shady spot and dozed off, Jeri and I climbed up two tall trees and watched the bustling energy take place below us. There were various 'performing' booths where one played Country music, mind you I'm not against it totally I just haven't had someone patient enough to show me their moves really so I can't groove that way yet. Some of it is easy to get along with but the mass groups of people doing the same movements sometimes irritates the heck out of me. I like creating my own style.

Which brings me to my next point, there was another booth there which was the Techno/Hip Hop performing booth where the DJ spun his Cds in a feel-good vibin' way and people were swaying to their own styles on the dance floor. Now THAT I can get down with. Get down with it, I did! I wasn't shy to dance alone, Jen and Jeri insisting they were 'horrible' dancers and sticking to playing cards on the grasslands nearby. I dived right in really, closed my eyes and stood directly in front of one speaker, took off my hearing aid, and once I felt in sync with the beat I ventured out and danced.

I've been to a few Raves before and I feel like after each one I've visited I've picked up a couple new dance moves I liked and integrated into praticing them alone on my kitchen floor so I wouldn't lose it, ya know what they say if you don't use it, ya lose it. Anyhoo my point? I believe it paid off that Saturday night, I made eye contact with a gal and the two of us were dancing in the middle of the floor Rave-style, techno-style and we must've been pretty good because people started clearing a space for us and were watching us. Now I'm not one to normally go for the spotlight, if anything I cringe at it...oh sure I like it amongst my own close friends but in a crowd of total strangers? No way, not my usual bag.

We had several songs where onlookers crowded around us. I was so high on life during those songs, the intermingling of energy being exchanged while dancing, the total work-out of it and releasing all those endorphins pent up inside. Goddess, it was great!

I was really flattered to even experience people gawking at me heehee! I hadn't danced amongst people in a long while. Lots of queer boys came up to me afterwards and some were like "You are so much FUN to watch!" Some took pictures while I was dancing, some asked if they could take a picture after I had danced and was cooling off. That was bit over the top for me! One caught me off guard I was lifting all my hair up to cool off my neck and FLASH there goes a picture. I look up and it's this hard-core butch grinning back at me.(I always attract those types!) I smile sheepishly and just start to make my way to the other side. (I'm a little tired of THAT type) So somewhere in California I'm captured on varied films....not sure how to feel about that! Ah and a couple gals came up asking where I had learned to dance the way I do to asking me for my number.

Flattery flattery flattery! It'll get you anywhere!

Goddess, I miss dancing at clubs. Here in California taking the bus out to a cool one won't get you back home at the time you really wanna go back home. Busses here SUCK, very limited in their hours. I like Colorado at least there I had a friend downtown and could come crash at her place after a long night at a lezzie bar. In DC you always had at least ONE or TWO friends in your crowd that had a car and carpooling was very popular to get out to clubs. In Oregon, I could really walk a couple long blocks to a jivin' joint if I desired. California really needs a major lesson in carpooling, there are too many one person per car driving in the highways so there always seems to be so much traffic. Selfish people.

My body is still sore from that night, my muscles ache all over. It was all so worth it though! Lately, people as a generalization have just made me cringe. Yet when it comes to dancing, I love each and every soul on that floor. It's a place where I don't have to be intimidated to make eye contact with total strangers. I do quite the opposite, when I have someones' gaze interlocked with mine, my eyes are dancing as well with theirs. I love that part, total friendliness established! For once, where you buy your clothes to if you are hearing or deaf doesn't really matter. It's the exchange of sensual energy celebrated in a collective mass of bodies.

Inhibitions, completely shed.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

It is interesting to watch the fabric of our lives torn asunder. Even more so when it comes in the form you least expect it to. Expectations, probably will get you in trouble every time. We think those we surround ourselves with would portray common decency and respect but apparently it is an 'expectation' if we 'think' that's what will unravel our way. That is kinda depressing, when the masks fall away and the illusions are revealed. Perhaps, illusion will beget illusion.


I've dropped Portland, Oregon for a choice. Basically because the fact that they have no pre-requisites and anyone can get in kinda grinds me the wrong way. The college in Austin demands that you have an Associates Degree at least before applying for admission there. That tells me right there I would have a more structured challenge to rise up to. They say their program qualifies you to open your own clinic if that is what you wanted. Could ya all imagine me with a clinic of my own in Colorado?

Aspirations, aspirations! Hold onto them....sometimes they are the only you are left with in life when everything else and everyone else starts to slip away. So it is down to Santa Rosa and Austin. At least I'm getting somewhere closer to an answer than I was a few weeks ago. I like the idea of Santa Rosa obtaining a few more credits in mathematics and sciences and then qualifying for Bastyr University in Seattle, Washington. Their program is designed to make it so that you graduate with a Bachelors of Science Degree. I wish whoever the inventors of that title had come up with something different. If I go that route I'm gonna end up saying "Hi, I'm Rachella and I have a B.S. Degree" Riiiigghht, all that hard work for me to be saying a "b.s." degree? PFFTT! Why not something like Bachelors of Health Science aka B.H.S. something like that?

Maybe its these things nobody thinks about, but somebody has to heh.