Rays of Consciousness

Insight into who I am? Hmm, one of my dearest friends said, "You need to get your t.v. watchin, greenery smokin, feline lovin, tree-huggin, no meat eatin, Goddess-adoring butt out of that bed and get to school! You hear me?!?" Of course I mumble and grumble in protest, mornings aren't my bag.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004


Well I had my appointment with Vocational Rehabilitation today. It went smoothly. I knew it would, my counselor and I always had a good rapport with each other in the past and still have it today. We did all the paperwork now it is just the two month nervewracking process of if I get accepted or not for their services.

Problem with this is? I don't have two months to wait it out and find out the result. I need to make my decision in one month where I'm going and hope for the best. I'm choosing to move back to Colorado and praying like hell I get accepted for their services so I can go to college at Metro State. If I'm not accepted then I'll start working full time instead and start saving for tuition there. Though it might take me an entire year to save up one semester worth of tuition and at that rate the whole completion of transfer credits would be a long way off....

There are still scholarships to check out, hopefully I can swing it somehow. Gawd I so need a sugar mama right now (giggles). Yeah like that's gonna happen. I really want to come back here and re-charge. Even if it is only for two years before I have to journey onto another college in another state.

So now it's onto the next step, start checking out apartments in Downtown Denver and making appointments to go see them every free time I have in October. I'll probably be able to secure an apartment before the month of October is even over! Then take off to California either the last week of October or the first week of November. Will stay a week there and then make my move back here. Oh Goddess FINALLY it's coming together somewhat! I pray I can find me a one bedroom place that's affordable and not have to go with a Studio instead. Oh well at least I'll be securing a place for me and my lovable furry companions!

Saturday, September 18, 2004


Got myself a job finally! Feels real nice to be working again. I was hired as a "Substitute Paraprofessional". Basically what we do is go to different elementary, middle and high schools and work with a group of students who have different ranges of disabilities. From Downs Syndrome, Autistic, Emotionally Disturbed, and so on. The teacher sometimes will give you the lesson plan and you are to help her teach the group. Sometimes it is really down to some of the simpler things like helping them to feed themselves, brush their teeth, clean up after themselves etc. those are the life skills that they will need to learn as they get older so it would enable them to feel somewhat independent. There is also board game playing so that they learn to interact with others effectively.

I already love this job. It comes with extremely rewarding feelings within and they do some things like reach out and hug you which completely catch me off guard. Not only do I teach them but they teach me as well. I love the compassion that takes place between the students and the staff.

So we'll see, if Voc. Rehab will support me to go to college in Colorado then I'll be moving back if they do, with no hesitations. Even if it is only for two years to complete the last of the math and science credits needed to get into the college I really want.

Onto another note, I am working with an event called The Marriage Caravan. They travel from San Francisco all the way to Washington D.C. and will be stopping in Denver on October 6th. There are activities planned around their arrival to spread more awareness and gain more support for marriage equality. I am going to be publicizing the event on different college campuses and wherever else they will need me to do so. Then help out during the activities that day. On October 7th they will have a rally in front of the state capitol and I will make a protest sign of some kind and be in the front lines. Any suggestions for what I oughta say for the sign? Here are some of my thoughts:

"Oh, evolve already! Give us the basic human rights we deserve!"

"Love is love and knows no set and organized gender roles"

"Love INVOLVES all, let us EVOLVE"

"Marriage is a sacred institution, we are capable of upholding it"

Those are just some of them. Any other suggestions you could think of or which one above is your favorite?

Monday, September 06, 2004

Reclaiming Myself

Life, is seemingly in a constant flux of life and death. Indeed, there are manifestations of that very journey found in many of our endeavors. Hard to imagine belief in the words: stable, settled and secure. Form is always changing. Intermittent cycles.

I journey on shedding the verbal baggage of the past. Stepping unto myself and my environment, (even if it is temporarily in the place I grew up), enables this shedding. Stranglehold of negative connotations from a decaying relationship manifested poison. If it is not addressed and shed, leads way to allowing destruction within our psyche. Funny how long something tortures and rings on mentally until you rise up and challenge to let it go.

"High-maintenace" what does that really mean? According to the American Heritage Dictionary, 'maintenance' means the act of maintaining, the work of keeping something proper in working condition, a means of supporting. So I guess if you say 'high-maintenance' it means making much effort into keeping something in 'proper working condition' right? Isn't it funny how we start off as ourselves, esteem intact and if we enter a relationship it means anothers' perspectives, values, beliefs become absorbed? Not necessarily mirrored, but definitely absorbed. The negative and the positive. The critical and the loving. We get caught up in this eternal dual synthesis of a dance.

That poison has lingered a long enough. Now I take the reins actively to purge myself of that mental stagnation. If called something long enough, it becomes a real struggle not to be influenced by its' power of suggestion. We are responsible for our shaping. We make choices that lead us to the places we are in today. Always fight to stand up for yourself, your self worth, your self esteem, your very spirit when in the context of a relationship. Never hand over the power to anyone, to strip you of any of these. You'd think that would be common sense but really it's a slipping rarity. All of us get caught up in how our partner 'views' us and the critical can be downright toxic. It's okay to leave room for growth in certain areas but it isn't okay to be seen as something reduced in value.

I release the toxins that keep me from moving forward. I know what I want out of life, I know who I am in this life, I know of my capabilities and limitations. I know how much to invest or not invest into something or someone. I strive hard today, to be someone that my children can one day look up to. It takes a lot to intimidate me and even then I don't flee but strive hard to work through that. I will no longer be passive when called certain things that I know are not true about myself. There is such an amazing sense of power that envelops me knowing that I can take responsibility for how I am to be shaped.

I want the best exerted from myself and others. A true extractment of that which is genuine. As I age, I become more refined, mature, experienced and confident. So if knowing what I want and not being afraid to go after it makes me 'high-maintenance' so be it. It is just a silly label that I allowed for some time to mess with me. I gave it the power to do so. It's this same power that I step up to now and reclaim. I set free, that which no longer serves my growth but the lesson it brought to awareness is blessed before it journeys on.