Rays of Consciousness

Insight into who I am? Hmm, one of my dearest friends said, "You need to get your t.v. watchin, greenery smokin, feline lovin, tree-huggin, no meat eatin, Goddess-adoring butt out of that bed and get to school! You hear me?!?" Of course I mumble and grumble in protest, mornings aren't my bag.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Hmm.....I go out on a date yesterday and mind y'all I haven't really had one in six months. It was......interesting to say the least. First dates are always....unnerving in my opinion. Ya gotta wonder how open-minded the person is that you're "dating" and I'm thinking to myself well she is forty years old, she's gotta be right? She was and she wasn't. Talk of spirituality had her raising her eyebrows a bit too much so I halted that talk quickly. Talk of politics was fun though, along with whats your favorite color, food, and so on....that part is always amusing right? Ah she's closed-minded with the whole 'rowing' but that's okay I can work around that. Not like I'm building a life with this gal, it is just a date. I wanted to take in the scenery, we were at Ms C's ( a country lezzie bar) but then I didn't want to be rude by looking around mid-sentence and all so we droned on and on all evening. Don't get me wrong the conversation was fine, the chemistry was so-so though. She hadn't been out on a date in over ten years....only because she said "I haven't found any interest til now" which was flattering... you know what the biggest highlight of my evening though was? When this cute soft butch comes up to me and signs "You are SO beautiful" I swear to Goddess I turned beet red and my date just smiled on awkwardly. The gal left smiling at me and I had to take a moment to will myself back to normal coloring in my face. LOL that did stir the heart nicely. Hmm. Will there be a second date? I dunno maybe...I miss the dating scene at the same time I don't really just want to date "anyone". Y'all know the saying "If you can't have Ms. Right....NOW then just have fun with all the wrong ones" or "If you can't have the one you love now, then love the one you're with" those are things I'm really trying to embrace here! Heehee! You know what I am tired of though? Bars bars bars! I want to see the Orchestra or something DIFFERENT for a change! Argh!

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

LARRY! I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU! I went to Texas for a few days recently and indeed we did partake of this 'glorious tex-mex' you ranted so much about now and then and all I can say is:

All the spices, salsa and whatnot are made so that 'white folks' can tolerate eating it. I had to pour alot of that pepper sauce that comes in a little jar on the table to make it even more hotter to what I believe is "MEX-STYLE"
Tsk tsk tsk tsk.

Friday, July 02, 2004

Well I just got back a few days ago from an awesome trip in San Francisco and Santa Rosa. Went by Greyhound, got there at five in the afternoon and checked into the hotel with Veronica and Mel. My friends Jeri and Jen were also driving up from L.A. later on and joined us in our hotel room. Mel joined another room with two of her friends Billy, a fem-to-male transgender and his girlfriend, Mackenzie. Awesome energy those people! Later on we saw Spanky and Mica whom I've met and hung out with for a week back in January. Those amongst this group had the guts to go topless at Pride and of course I admired all the nice Goddess' handiwork here and there. (Laughs). I had no guts myself though to join them, I may be outgoing to most of you but hey some areas I am shy pfftth!

Pride was awesome, we were hanging off the fire escape and out the windows watching it go by from our hotel. Then towards the end we climbed up all the way to the roof of our hotel and watched the swarming mass of people join in at the end of the parade and they stretched on as far as the eye could see, a sea of faces! Plenty of alcohol and 'tea' all day and all night and lots of merriment and enthusiasm. We looked at the booths and all and I was debating between buying fairy wings or a cowgirl hat. I chose the latter. I put it on and just totally fell in love with the image reflecting back at me. I did look hot if I may say so myself teehee. Then Miss Veronica and I morphed into 'bad grrls' cause we both purchased the same saying on a black shirt, her a tank top, me a t-shirt reading "I am your next masterbation fantasty" now combined with my hot black cowgirl hat all I can say is YEEEEHHAAWWW! I was sizzlin! (Grins). I think the only place I'd really wear my shirt though is to the clubs or bars not really for food shopping ya know LOL.

Then we took off to Santa Rosa the next day. Went to the Armstrong Park and Russian River. Absolutely GOREGOUS there. I wanted to camp there for weeks. So much serenity and natural beauty. I like the mychronnial fungus growing abundantly on trees. Gives the trees a soft look and such vivid greenery! Reminded me of Oregon briefly. Then we went over to Bodega Bay which was pretty cool seeing the boulder-size rocks scattered near the shores and watching the water crash up against them. We went to a gift shop and I got some things for two or three people since their birthdays are coming up ;-)

Back to San Francisco the next day to take off home, Vee to Arizonia and me back to smoggy Los Angeles. Which brings me to my next point, yeah it's finally here! I am packing my stuff into my Door to Door Storage box right now and they'll be picking it up on the 6th which is when I leave too so. Finally it's registering to me more indepthly that I'm really leaving here. Next time I come back it'll be to pick up my stuff from storage and get my cats back from JB which will all happen in three months.

I don't feel really sad about leaving here...I thought I would. Then again what is it that is so great that I'm leaving? Not too much. I graduated and it's the perfect time to go forward and onwards. Might I say that the people in LA compared to the people in Santa Rosa are sooooooooooooo different. LA is more about vain fad appearances, cold and distant energies from people, car-obsessed, etc. Santa Rosa on the other hand is a really cool artistic-oriented community. Piercings and tattoos on people galore! Hippies, grunges, punks, down to earth people galore! It's like a completely different state but it isn't. It's only seven hours North from where I'm at. The people there aren't cold and distant but extremely warm and loving. They'll meet you and then you'll get kissed bye or hello once you've had a decent long conversation with em. They'll come bounding up to you (I'm think of Spanky right now) and just squeeze you hard with this huge joyous energy of merely seeing you. It has all just blown me away. There's a lot of clothes in my closet that I never wore in LA but would totally wear in Santa Rosa! Now y'all know me I usually wear what I want when I want how I want but after living in Los Angeles their 'society' finally caught up with me that unconsciously I did stop wearing alot of things that weren't La-ish. WHATEVER. No more engaging in that community anymore.

I still gotta visit Austin though. See the school, get a feel for the community. Still wish there were at least one person in Austin that I know so it'd be easier to meet others. I can do it again on my own and all though. It'd be fun to wear my hat there! I also got it for this country lezzie bar back home in Colorado. Ahhh Colorado...I go back next Tuesday. I can't believe how time just flies...

I miss Roslyn. I still shed tears for her everyday. We had alot of plans this month and it's gonna be hard staying in Colorado and not being able to call her up to cause some ruckus in Denver. After I had said my speech there, the family invited me to ride with them in the limo to the cemetary. Nice honor, sad ride knowing it'd be the last time I'd go 'somewhere' with her. I know she's around me in spirit...I do feel her. It's just hard to register she's truly really gone. Death will come for all of us at some point, it's not like I didn't know that but her being gone made me realize and wonder about some things. One major 'wonderings' is this: tomorrow isn't guarnteed so really what is the point to hoping for dreams of marriage or children or anything else when it may not even happen at all? I'd rather leave tomorrow with less dreams so my spirit wouldn't be pissed that I didn't get to fulfill this or that. I know its a morbid view. I know we should be 'livin to the fullest' and I'm trying but that one still is seeped down deep and I dunno I feel like I've become alot more wary of having anymore dreams. We're lectured all the time from a multitude of directions to 'live in the present' so in doing so does that mean we really shouldn't be hoping for anything in the future? Are we suckers if we do?

For the first few days after her being gone I kept wishing it were me instead of her. She had just gotten married seven months ago and her and Joel were talking about having children. I'm no where near being married or having children or even on that path of actuality with someone. What I do have behind me is a degree finally. Then that got me thinking....do I somehow value or hold more importance on family and marriage over obtaining a degree? I mean of course I want the next degree and am not giving that goal up and all but this was a real eye-opener on what I really feel is important in life. If I died the day after I got my Bachelors Degree, I'd be like well big deal. If I died months after being married and having my first child I'd be devastated. Kinda funny how some situations that occur in life will reel you far from the reality you're in to the reality you'd really like before you leave. Then you panic....what if you never get that? Then you get angry....are we living life on the edge or are we living some damn structured life? I think a balance of both is very vital but it's usually impossible. It's usually one or the other that you find yourself engaged in. (Remember the scarves Kristin? Geez).

Sometimes I think its a Mexican thang. The desire to have a wedding and children being rampant in our culture...that's bound to seep deep deep down the the very center of a child growing up in this culture.